b0g nº11:(b0g-11.txt):15/08/2003 << Back To b0g nº 11

_________________________________________ .-. _ .-. / \ | _____ | . o O| NO MORE B0G FOR YOU, NEXT!!! | ( @ @ ) \________________________________________ / \ / \ --- / | | --- --- | i i | b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! TH4 4PR1L 1SSU3 û 1SSU3 XI ! 1N Y00R F4C3! 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[b0g-11.txt] [ 0:. - [ ] :. ] [ 1:. - [ how to fuck up the world ] [some aolÆer on drugs] :. ] [ 2:. - [ My Afternoon As Tom Cruise ] [reverend] :. ] [ 3:. - [ advertising b0g ] [b0ils n xhaze] :. ] [ 4:. - [ Crypto For Newbies ] [b0iler] :. ] [ 5:. - [ how to create a cheap gravity bong ] [ford perfect] :. ] [ 6:. - [ being leet with BitchX ] [herk] :. ] [ 7:. - [ Hacking Techniques: bouncing the attack ] [b0iler] :. ] [ 8:. - [ how to pick up chicks ] [sbc] :. ] [ 9:. - [ how to create a hax0rmobile ] [tak] :. ] [10:. - [ hax0ring your registry ] [monkey zee] :. ] [11:. - [ Re Re: How To Mack Da Bitchez ] [xhaze] :. ] [12:. - [ ninja-lessons in php ] [tak] :. ] [13:. - [ fun stuff for the office worker ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [14:. - [ how to stop masturbating ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [15:. - [ Ugly Chick's Guide To Getting A Man ] [begezze] :. ] [16:. - [ how to phone in a pizza order ] [pizzaman] :. ] [17:. - [ bobÆs guide to fun sexlike stuff ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [18:. - [ a comprehensive essay û furniture sex ] [sonik] :. ] [19:. - [ b0ils guide to the German language ] [b0ils] :. ] [20:. - [ IRC Quotes ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [ ] ____________________________________________________________________ Official b0g site: http://www.b0g.org û cleaner crispier crunchier Official b0g email to send your articles to: b0g@b0g.org Official irc channel: #b0g on us.undernet.org Official b0g bunny of the month: Nique Official b0g hunk of the month: Tress Official b0g wannabees of the month: Forbidden knowledge Music enjoyed while haxing this issue: Mindset û bullet for cinderella The dismemberment plan û emergency and i Dave matthews band û live at red rock Dillinger escape plan û calculating infinity b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! On with tha show!@ ____________________________________________________________________ [ 1:. - [ how to fuck up the world ] [some aolÆer on drugs] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ When your like me and get bored eassily its veryt hard to keep fuctiong the way your parents expet you to. I would go out with Killer Kurt all the time and destroy evrything we coiuld find that looked stupid,get drunk off my ass,trip on acid(like im doing righ now),use the necronimiconm to summon a watcher to kill my teachewrs my douchbag bratty sister and the fat sickining son of a bitch that lives next door to me,and my parents would very rarely do anything to try to stop me. i gues they just thought i was goin throuhg a phase or sometihg like that. We ll I finalyl hit upon the perfect combination of things to do that not only get your parents to reac, the are a hell of a lot of fun and cause so much evil, chaos, and havoc that Satan will be sure to reservbe a good seat in Hell for you. So now Here are step by stpe instructins on HOW TO FUCK UP THE WORLD Step one:Get.a large supply fo plastics garbage bags, gas or other very flammablle shit,and a flamsthrower or somet other way to light fires from a distance (just to make sure you dont die yourself before your ready).Also i forgot to mention,take a good amount of drugs befoere you start doin this so youll be able to finish what you start.I reccommend about three hits of blotter acid (4way album cover is best,thats what i use),about 2 grams of weed (smoked),some mescaline if you can get it (arizona is a great place to pick it yourself),and of course the good old american tradition of JACK DANIELS. Most people mix this with coke but I have invented a new way to do it,which ya do by mixing it with JOLT cola instead. tHIS (godamn fuckin caps lock key) will get you really goin, you may want to use some speed as well so you dont pass out and some ludes or other type of downer just to keep you balancd well. now make sure you can still stand up (once you get that far the rest will come naturaly) and get in yer pickup (if you dont have a pickup there is no hope for ya!) and drive. Oh remember to take the gas, bags, and light with you. Step two: Drive to a secluded area and preparew for your assault on the armies of the conformist bastards. What your gonna be doin here is summoning a demon. This is one of the waeker types according to the Necromnicon so you can control it easily in your druged state but powerful enouhg to actually be of use to ya. So draw yer pentagram on the ground,get a Slayer tapepl aying (no motley crue!!! or the demon will laugh its ass off at you before killing you and eating your soul. Adn thats a big waste of time not to mention no fun at all.) set candles at all cardinal points and cut a long incision down the lenght of your arm about frmo mid-bicep to just before your wrist as you dont want to bleed to death,just enough to get about 3/4 of a pint or so. Drip all this blood inside the pent.,and chant the following: "YOGGIH PPEDRILS, STOWART EHNTAHL SHILGLI DRAGGULS UOHT!" Say this5 times and you shoukld noteice the candles flikckering (hmm i blieve the rrUSH is starting to come on nwo, this sucker relly was worht 40 a sheet!!)! By the way that shit up there that ya say is not nay kind of backjwards bullshit, it is the real stuff. I paid 40 bux for my copy of the youknowwhat so i oughtta know. now where was i o yeah. Onece the damn thing appears thjen you gotta establish control over it real qiock before it start getting any ideas. by the way in caser you wodering what it will look like it is a big motherfucker approx. 20 feeet tall with green leathery sking. If you get the wrong one it doesnt really matter that much anywayt since youll be dyin soon but it helps. so now get it to fly along above yer truck (tell it to be invisible so ya dont have peopl starin at ya!) and drive back to whereever it is that your gonna destroy. Step three: stop back at yer house wreal quick and pick up the follwng. If you dont have all this at house then just go by a hardware storte and a drugstore and picjk it up. if the owner objkects then just take out his kneecaps with your crowbar and he wont be goin anywhere for a long time. 30 dozen hammers 50 gallons of paint (asorted colors is nice but not necesary) (jesus this is weird, have any of you ever seen ther letters on yer screen wiggl ing and boucing didnt think so!!) now where was i/ 5-10 tanks of propane 100+ gallons of gas (for a seperate use than the gas i alreadyu mentiond) from the drugstore,or your closet if your like me and keep a constant supply of every kind of drug ever made): 1,000 doses of pseudoephedrine (there we go,i spelled it right! well ive got the catalog next to me so fuck it anyway,it doesnt mean shit.neuither does your mama. i think im getting off track - wel then again it is kind og amazing cause my ingers are twichin so bad) 5,000 doses of LSD 250 doses of qualudes 600 cases of JACK DANIELS ok now for the good part. Consume all of these yourself! HAAHAHA! i bet you thou ght you were suposed to put them in the citys water supply or soething! but now you better get moving cause this is all gonna take effect within the hour! but if ya wanna save some to put in the citywater then go ahead,you wont have quite as much fun but who the fuck am i to tell you exactly how to do things. Step four: Drive to the heart of the city. on the way see how many little old ladies and fag poodles ya can hit. When ya get to the talest building in town smash into a fire hydrant in front of it. now get out and run like a bitch *just have the demon carry all the shit for ya*! and go to the FUCKEN TOP of the building. here is where you do all this. Make the demon inhale all the propane, and give him the smaler amount of gas (the one I talked about first..go back about 70 lins or so./) to drionk. Now hes all set. now YOU have to get on his back. make him carry the hammers and paint and the largetr amount of gas. Have him take off and fly all over the city aas he flys just throw hammers down at building windows and people and paint at both of those too! Now i bet you thinking i forgot all about those garbage bags and the flamethrowr. Hell no i didnt! with the little bit of propane hes got left have him blow up the bags so they make a giant baloon. now you take the big amount of gas and drink it (after all those other drugs it should be a smnap!) and jump. With your weight off him and all that propane in him and with that baloon he will instantly take off straight up into heaven, where he will cause some wicked shit to happen! As for you, you will fly down and hit the ground, and be goin so fast that you go right through all the way to Hell. Once you get there all the gas in you will ingite and BOOM! Satan will be proud of you for sure! a perfect ending to a perfect day! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist." -Mayor Marion Berry. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 2:. - [ My Afternoon As Tom Cruise ] [reverend] :. ] [jlabarge@rebel-alliance.net] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ 03/08/02 I won't bother telling you how it happened, but sometime late last week I found myself, er, "borrowing" an AOL Instant Messenger account reported to have at one time belonged to actor Tom Cruise. Personally, I find it a little hard to believe that Tom Cruise ever owned, operated or even knew of the account, but I suppose I'm not nearly as gullible as your average Internet user since, despite it's questionable origins, the name managed to make it's way onto a dozen or so "Celebrity Screen Name" websites and, oh, let's say a couple thousand buddy lists. So, sick of being pestered about new IM Funnies, I decided to see what fun I could have being Tom Cruise for one lazy afternoon. The results were, uh, pretty disappointing actually. Turns out it's pretty hard to improvise gags when, at any given moment, 30 people are messaging you with the same dumb bullshit. Most of time I just end up trying to be as offensive as possible, which is a pretty lame cop-out. Note: Screen names have been censored in order to protect the innocent. I know it sounds kind of silly, but not only would giving away the screen names of these people jeopardize the existence of the faux Tom Cruise, but it could potentially destroy some of these people. Seriously, as sad as it is, the defining moment in the empty, pathetic lives of these saps may very well have been the time they spoke to "Tom Cruise" on AOL Instant Messenger. Also, the last thing I need is a repeat of the Love@AOL personals fiasco where some douche bag ruined all of our fun because I made fun of Nay. By the way, if you want to ever thank that kid by annoying him into submission, his e-mail address is BugGuy0932@aol.com. t************I: hello A********r: Hi. t************I: im brian....whats ur name? A********r: Tom. t************I: hi tom......where ya from? A********r: California. t************I: ah, great place t************I: im a big fan of your work.....especially Top Gun A********r: Thanks. t************I: can i ask you a question? A********r: Shoot. t************I: see, im one of your biggest fans..... t************I: and if you are who you say you are, can you prove it? A********r: Depends what sort of proof you need. t************I: what was your birth name? A********r: Rudiger. t************I: and what did your mom do for a career? A********r: American Gladiator. t************I: thats what i thought......... t************I: an i ask you something else? A********r: Sure. t************I: why would you lie about being somebody else? A********r: I would never dream of doing such a thing! t************I: funny funny funny....youve got a lot of people fooled into thinking you're tom cruise t************I: dont worry, im not gonna tell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- g***********2: who warned u? A********r: I'm not sure. A********r: Probably some stupid nigger. g***********2: o...k... A********r: Or a dirty faggot. What am I, Kreskin? g***********2: okay, whatever g***********2: just wondering. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- C************t: This is C******** D***** E************ in Florida... trying to go over the details of the autograph signing down here in April... A********r: I don't know anything about any autograph signing in April. A********r: Who did you talk to? C************t: Jeff Stevens with William Morris A********r: Oh yeah, Jeff. He's a real ass commander. He never tells me anything. A********r: Anyway, listen, I'm not going to be able to make that one. There are WAY too many Mexicans in Florida for my tastes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- s************0: hey A********r: Hello. s************0: how r u A********r: Good. s************0: u going to carmen electras party in may A********r: Nope. s************0: y not s************0: why not s************0: ? A********r: I never received an invite. s************0: she said she sent you and invitation A********r: Well, I never got it. s************0: I'll tell her to send another A********r: Thanks. I appreciate it. s************0: Can I ask you something alittle personal? A********r: Sure. s************0: What happen with you and Nicole? A********r: C'mon, I can't really talk about that. I'm sure you understand. s************0: Yeah. I do. Sorry for asking -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E**************c: hi A********r: Hi. E**************c: Is this Tom? A********r: Sure. E**************c: ya well i am Amanda Bynes A********r: Hi Amanda. E**************c: Do you know who i am? A********r: I'm sorry, I don't. E**************c: Amanda Bynes, i am on the Amanda Show A********r: Oh yeah? My kids watch the Amanda Show all the time. It's one of their favorites. But how do I know you're who you say you are? E**************c: how do i know your who u say u r? A********r: I asked first. E**************c: I guess i can call you later? A********r: How'd you get my phone number? E**************c: you would give it to me A********r: That's shady. E**************c: how so? A********r: I can't just go around, giving people my phone number. E**************c: i cant give them mine either -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- K********0: it is so hard to find a job right now A********r: So I hear. K********0: most places say wait until the summer, fall, or NEXT YEAR K********0: that doesn't help pay the bills K********0: especially since my roommate and I have a new "problem" to take care of, as he calls it K********0: I'm pregnant, about 3 months A********r: Oh boy. K********0: weird b/c i would have never guessed K********0: but he is pre-med sort-of so he would now the signs quicker K********0: My friend thinks it will be a boy b/c I am already carrying low A********r: So I take it this is not a planned pregnancy? K********0: nope K********0: i'm thinking, although i definitely don't want to, I might have to give it up for adoption K********0: i don't believe in abortion, so I might do an open adoption K********0: The baby will certainly have some problems though, both me and the dad were born with holes in our hearts K********0: and I have asthma (sometimes) and diabetes A********r: I'm sorry to hear that. K********0: well, i am border-line, but it runs in the family K********0: no problem, i've been sick most of my life, I'm use to it K********0: the baby has other problems, he will be like Lou Diamond Phillips, Asian- Scottish-Spanish A********r: You know, during my down time, I perform abortions free of charge and as a service to my fans. K********0: but I am not up for abortions K********0: besides I am in Orlando K********0: and I don't know where u are A********r: Well, keep me in mind. K********0: more curiousity, what is your fav movie? A********r: Ever see "Kentucky Fried Movie"? K********0: nope K********0: never heard of it either A********r: You should check it out. It's an incredible piece of cinema. K********0: when i get the money i probably will A********r: I highly recommend it. K********0: what else do you like? A********r: "Amazon Women on the Moon" K********0: what genre do these videos fall under? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- T**********3: hi again A********r: Hi. T**********3: so wats up? A********r: Not too much. I've been burning the hair off of my balls with a lighter for about a half an hour now. A********r: How about you? T**********3: boy ur sick T**********3: ur not Tom Cruise, are you? T**********3: ? A********r: Maybe. T**********3: ur not, or else u wud have security on ur SN and u wudnt say gross things like what u just said. A********r: I don't have any type "security" because I actually enjoy talking to my fans. T**********3: do u like telling them what u told me too? A********r: Sometimes, you know, just to mess with their heads. T**********3: well its not cool T**********3: ur movie MI:2 sucked dude -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- B************0: hey man A********r: Hi. B************0: yer tom cruise arent u A********r: Yes. B************0: awsome i cant believe you actually talked B************0: all the other celebs ignore fans A********r: Not me. I try to be a little more personal. B************0: yeh i can understand A********r: Take 'em out back behind the toolshed and give them a good assblasting. A********r: Things other actors won't do. A********r: Because they're too high and mighty or whatever. B************0: huh B************0: what do you meen ass blasting A********r: You know.. a good, old fashioned, hardcore assblasting. B************0: no offense but are you gay A********r: Only when I'm drunk. A********r: Which is actually quite often. B************0: haha B************0: this aint tom cruise is it A********r: You don't believe me? B************0: well i donna it just doesnt seem like a famous guy like tom cruise would say these things A********r: It's OK to say all of these things because I'm on drugs. B************0: ok let me just say that whoever you are you dont have much of a life to go around and imposter people like that.. hopefully yer ass will end up in jail fucker -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S*********0: hey A********r: Hi. S*********0: how are you? S*********0: ? A********r: Good. How are you? S*********0: Good too S*********0: Just to make sure, this is Tom right? A********r: Yes. S*********0: ok S*********0: so whats new? A********r: Quite a lot. I've been very busy lately. S*********0: with anything exciting lately? A********r: Nothing too exciting. S*********0: oh ok S*********0: so what are your plans for this weekend? A********r: Listen, I don't have the time to screw around. Are you going to send me titty pictures or what? S*********0: what? A********r: That's usually how it works. S*********0: who is this? A********r: Girls say "Ooh ooh Tom I love you blah blah blah you are so hot blah blah blah here is a picture of my tits" A********r: And then I say "Oh hey thanks blah blah blah these are fantastic blah blah blah they look very natural" S*********0: Tom who? A********r: TOM CRUISE, YOU ASS. S*********0: yea right S*********0: cuz he prob. aint as much of a jerk as ur being now S*********0: ur such a lier A********r: Are you going to send me the pictures or what? S*********0: no u aint seein anything u pervert S*********0: now u'll have a bad rep as tho u already dont A********r: Oh, like I give a shit about my "rep". I still make movies. What do you do? JACK SHIT. S*********0: whatever u know ur a lier and u aint no tom cruise so just give it up u little pussy A********r: Eat an ass sandwich you douchebag. S*********0: ahh now shut the hell up -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I**************S: TOM WHO IS WARNING YOU? A********r: I'm not entirely sure. I**************S: It dosen't say? I**************S: That isn't cool A********r: Nope. I**************S: Im Nick by the way I**************S: I hope you find out who is doing it A********r: Me too. A********r: I'll rape them. I**************S: that sounds nice I**************S: LOL I**************S: You should be careful who you talk to I**************S: I had Micheal Keaton warn me A********r: Who cares? Michael Keaton is a washed up faggot. I**************S: Yes he is I**************S: and this cannot be Tom Cruise A********r: If you say so. I**************S: who ever this is, it is kinda cool that you have the whole world believing it is I**************S: and if it is Tom than you have got to be the most down to earth celeb EVER! A********r: Thanks. I**************S: you should come to NY soon I**************S: I am hoping to see Nelly Furtado on Monday I**************S: they are still warning you! I**************S: whomever else you are talking to is warning you A********r: They're going to get a royal ass fisting. I**************S: i have a small screensaver i made, it has a caracature of you in it I**************S: would you like to see it? A********r: Not really, no. I**************S: ill just connect and send it to you, it was a lot of work, and it has some nudity of other celebs in it I**************S wants to directly connect. A********r declines request; no connection was made. I**************S: ok I**************S: than i won't send it to you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S*************2: Hey. Why are you being warned so much "Tom Cruise?" or not Tom Cruise as the case may be? A********r: I'm not sure. S*************2: I will find out if your real or not.....*evil laughter* A********r: If I sent you a picture of my erect cock, then would you believe me? S*************2: That's the thing there's nothing to believe....you won't tell me if you ARE real. And no, to be honest, i dont think that would help. And would Penelope really like it? A********r: What she doesn't know won't kill her. S*************2: So you are real............. S*************2: and remember........curiosity killed the cat.... A********r: And that nosy fucker that kept snooping around in my garbage. S*************2: I'll take your word for it. How come you've been online so long? A********r: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fisting S*************2: Do you ever say anything decent? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- H***** ********5: Listen here. H***** ********5: You worthless mongruel H***** ********5: i know where you live. A********r: Where's that? H***** ********5: Does the letter D sound familiar? A********r: Not really, no. H***** ********5: Good because it shouldent. H***** ********5: Now that i have esatblishe dthat. A********r: You sure are crafty. H***** ********5: Yes i know. A********r: Listen, I'll give you whatever you want. Just stay away from me, OK? H***** ********5: Ok. H***** ********5: Wouldent think you would brake that easily. A********r: Maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm just playing games.. MIND GAMES! H***** ********5: Maybe not! H***** ********5: Fool. A little later.. H***** ********5: Well well well. A********r: Look who it is! My arch nemesis! H***** ********5: Looks like i just got my port scanner updated how about i delete C:/ windows? A********r: How about I slit your throat and choke you with your own tongue? H***** ********5: Try it H***** ********5: kind of hard over the net isnt it? A********r: You got me there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- x*************X: is this tom cruise A********r: I don't know. x*************X: u dont know? x*************X: ok x*************X: 4 real r u A********r: Possibly. A********r: Maybe. A********r: Who is this anyway? A********r: Nicole? A********r: Penelope? x*************X: no x*************X: a fan x*************X: lol thats wat u prob want to hear rite now x*************X: a fan A********r: It's alright. I like my fans. x*************X: cool x*************X: i think your hott but u need to cut your hair x*************X: my opinion A********r: I have an appointment for later on today actually. x*************X: lol u do? x*************X: im from brooklyn ny A********r: Yes. I'm getting a "mullet" for this new film I'm working on. It's about a NASCAR fan that travels back in time to prevent the death of Dale Earnhardt, an event he discovers was actually carefully orchestrated by Nazi zombies. Shit, I hope I didn't give away the ending. x*************X: wats a mullet? x*************X: i didnt get a chance to see that movie u were in wit cameron diaz x*************X: i heard it was krazy x*************X: ooo A********r: A "mullet" is short on the top and long in the back. Also known as a Dover Mudflap, Camaro Cut, Soccer Rocker, Ape Drape, Schlong, etc. x*************X: brb\ x*************X: ooo like billy ray cyrus x*************X: lol A********r: Right. A********r: Like Billy Ray Cyrus. x*************X: actually im into acting x*************X: comedy A********r: Oh yeah? What movies have you been in? x*************X: school plays x*************X: im 17 x*************X: i put on shows n make ppl laugh A********r: What kind of comedy? Do you fall down and shit? A********r: Do stupid dances? Shoot ping pong balls out of your ass? x*************X: all my friends think im hellarious i like to do that krazy shit like on jackass x*************X: yea like stupid stuff and they think its funny x*************X: like impersonating ppl x*************X: when did u start acting? A********r: 14. x*************X: oh x*************X: cool x*************X: as soon as i saw jackass i was like dam i want to be on that show lol A********r: What would you do? Would you let them set your tits on fire? x*************X: lol noooo x*************X: i would like bother ppl and annoy then and do stupid stunts A********r: Yeah. That's probably much safer. x*************X: yea x*************X: its fun -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- D******9: nice profile....hey wanna chat? A********r: Nope. D******9: ok sorry! A********r: Fuck off. D******9: omg D******9: why? A********r: Sorry. I thought you were someone else. D******9: oh thats ok! so any projects right now? A********r: None at the moment, thankfully. D******9: yeah, have u ever taken a naked photo shoot?..ive seen pics and im wondering if they are real A********r: Never. D******9: hmm they are probably fakes A********r: Definitely. D******9: wut do you usually do online? A********r: Check e-mail. D******9: kool kool D******9: are u sexually attracted to men? A********r: Listen, it's not gay if you wear a condom. D******9: yeah....hey penelope is a dog man A********r: Yeah but that ass.. you could bounce a quarter off that ass. D******9: haha D******9: aight eat shit fucker D******9: bye b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! %%%%%% %%%% = = %%C > _)' _( .' , __/ |_/\ " *. o /` \_\ \/ %`= '_ . / ) \/| .^',*. , /' /- o/ - b0g _ /\_/ < = , ^ ~ . )_o|----'| .` ' ___// (_ - (\ ///-( \' \\ b'ger b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 3:. - [ advertising b0g ] [b0ils n xhaze] :. ] [gimps@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Awhile ago bob posted something on the site (b0g.org) in the nature of some crappy site getting free advertising by having fans make signs and go to wrestling matches and holding them up. Of course he cried about his site not getting free advertising and threatened to close the site down if he didn't get his way. The little baby wanted b0g fans to bring b0g signs to wrestling matches and try to get them on the air ... or some stupid shit like that. However completely insane this idea was, it got me thinking about some more logical ways for b0g readers to spread the word, actually b0g is a noun, to be exact it's a acronym. I mean come on bob, who watches wrestling? Unemployed b0g readers, that's who. And if they are already b0g readers why in hell would you need to advertise to them? This is where I come in, I will now be fully in charge of all of b0g's advertising research and development for the next financial year. With the demographic information I have collected on b0g readers over the last 15 minutes, my guess is that they are not in these 3 specific categories: Extremely rich people with time and money to burn - ages 43 to 45. Poor Mexicans who can't read well and speak broken English. And ninjas. We start our advertising campaign off by going after the rich people. To do this we will try to make the most gawd awful signs and flash animation possible. This serves two very beneficial purposes. one) rich people are used to nice things and will have their attention grabbed by things that are not so pleasant. This means doing things like sneaking into mansions and writing b0g in your own faeces on the bathroom walls. Everyone needs to use the bathroom sooner or later, besides odin who finds it more convenient to just shit on his friends. So when MR. Richy Rich comes in to wash his hands after touching the tv remote control he will see b0g written there on the wall in solid brown human dung. This should get his attention, it should work so well that he will probably be curious who/what b0g is and will try to find out and locate it/them. He may even call the police to find out, in which case this is helpping to promote the zine by word of mouth. If the police come to your house looking for b0g, just tell them it's online at www.b0g.org. If they think you are joking with them and put you in handcuffs that is ok.. you might get in the local newspaper and get b0g some MORE FREE ADVERTISING! Also, I heard from odin that the people in jail are very kind and help you clean your colon almost everyday. Huh? What? You saying something? Oh yeah.. the second reason we are using horrible advertising to target extremely rich people is that extremely rich people use the internet. This is because they can't be arsed to walk all the way down 3 flights of stairs to read the news paper. So they go online with aol instead to find out what's happening and if they've got mail. Everyone on the internet is rich, everyone on the internet is smart, everyone on the internet likes spam. Perfect! I've already got some mailers set up to spam aol accounts, so we should have a billion or so new b0g readers when we send out that "AOL has 3 letters, so does B0G. Check out the site if you don't believe me!" spam. We can include facts in the spam to help convince people to read b0g. Stats like "thousands of b0g readers have read b0g and not a single one has complained to me personally and told me that b0g sucks and is a waste of bandwidth, besides bob, who doesn't read the articles he puts in b0g anyways." and "little betty blue, will blow your horn, click this link, for some really good porn". Now for the webpage front of our advertising campaign. From what I hear www.dowjones.com is a popular site for rich people, and since advertising on webpages is COMPLETELY FREE we can really reap the benefits of rich people who gain alot of money on investments and donate it all to b0g! I think it's free anyways. Another good thing about web based advertising is that once a rich person has gotten hooked they can't stop and will spend all their money to get more and b0g. Ok, maybe that was crystal meth I am thinking of :\ Besides the internet what else do rich people do? That's right, they watch polo. I've sent grphish out to find some wild horses, so hopefully #b0g can get enough people to start an all b0g polo league. And with this elite league of poloers we will brain wash the on looking rich by only wearing b0g brand cloths and riding on custom b0g sattles. It just so happens that nique can sew!!! She hasn't agreed to it yet, but she's going to make around 15,000 b0g polo shirts and 1,000 b0g sattles, give or take a few dozen. I propose the shirts look something like this: [------------ ------------] [------------ ------------] | \___/ | or maybe | \___/ | | | | || __ | [______ __ ______] [______ ||__ / \ __ ______] | ( ) | || )| | / | | | d__|__b | ||__/ | || | | | | | | \__/\_ | | | | / | Phyrewyre suggested |POLO __/ / | | |/ | this unique design: | \__/ | | / \ | | we're hung | | / \ | [------------ ------------] | better than | | 3 thumbs up!@#| |#$!$!%%#$^%^\___/@#$!@%&$&&@2| | the horses!@# | ----------------- |&*(%^@$!$#&^*&(^(@%^#$%!@@#&#| ----------------- [(^&&&*&$$%!@!@!(!%!@&(@#$~~!$] |*)$#%^$#!^$^%@#| |JAJAJAJAJJAJAJA| |JAJAHAHAHAKAAJA| |SLOBBERGOAT!#@%| |HAHAJAJAJAJAHAR| |FUCKWIT!#JAJJJA| |@#!$!@%@#%&%&@@| |@#%$#^%@#^@#@@$| ----------------- Phase 2, the mexician population: Getting all of mexico now while it's population is under 10billion is a key goal for b0g. This is because the trend of people in mexico to repopulate so fast that it's population doubles around ever 6 months. If we can get them all reading b0g now our readership numbers will sky rocket in 4 - 5 years. With the rich on our side the poor will soon follow. Most of the poor will anyways, but those poor mexicians which cannot read or speak English will have problems understanding all the buzz going on about b0g. So we need to help them out, since to actually be counted as a b0g reader you need to be able to read English. You may say they are lost causes. I on the other hand don't give up so easily. I think with some teamwork and a positive attitude you can teach the mexicians how to read and write. Me and xhaze have already visited mexico to do a trial class on English and American culture. This will get them to both read b0g and understand it's jokes. Here is a short snipplet of our class: xhaze "hello punta, I am your new owner and you will bow down to me and suck my tallywhacker and ride in my bang bus and give me money and call me el gigantisorcock" mexican "el puntas es tu momma, haha" b0iler "a is for apple, b is for b0g" mexican "I can speak English fine." xhaze "English.. speak English you stupid fuck." mexican "I am. Infact I can speak 4 other languages. Would you rather I spoke dutch?" xhaze "a is for apple.. aaappppllleee. b is for b0g.. bbbbbbbbbb0000000000gggggggg" b0iler "A APPLE! B B0G! b0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0g!!!! Why won't you learn!!@#$!#@$" After about 17 hours of torturous vodka drinking and playing throw the spitballs at the one who can't speak english. We got him to finally speak some English. Although it still sounded mexician to xhaze I did understand a few bits and pieces. I think we taught this young mexician girl how to speak English well enough to say b0g. Job done, time to go home. But as we were going home xhaze promised the girl that if she came with him back to the states she wouldn't have to sleep on rat shit and eat cardboard anymore. She clang onto his back like a packet kiddie to a OC line. Finally, we proceed to our last target group: ninjas. While ninjas are not the most numerous group of people, they are the coolest. And they are always patient and willing to learn. They can become superb wrestlers, and will kick the shit out of anyone who refuses to read b0g. Also, if we don't get them, el8 will!! So how do we track ninjas down and teach them the ways of the b0g? I mean, many of them don't even know what a computer is, let along know how to hack the planet. My idea was to set up what is known in the computer security world as a honey pot and just sit back and wait for the ninjas to come to me. I got tak to set up a nice sub domain for me at b0iler.cisconinja.net where I will lure the ninjas in by allowing them to try and sneak in undetected. While they think they are a smooth criminal I am actually watching their every move, and sooner or later I will trap them in a chroot jail and confront them. OH! There's a ninja now, lets have a look: r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> HIYA! bash: HIYA!: command not found r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> opensaysme bash: opensaysme: command not found r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> w00t! bash: w00t!: command not found r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> tcsh /bin> opensaysme opensaysme: Command not found. /bin> ash $ opensaysme opensaysme: not found $ exit /bin> exit r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> exit as we can see the ninja is so sophisticated it knows commands the shell doesn't. I decided that no honey pot would ever be able to catch a true ninja. So instead I sent tress to go find one and challenge one to a fight to the death. Now that I actually think about it I don't know how we are going to get a dead ninja to read b0g, or how we are going to get b0g up without tress coding wsnm. Maybe it wasn't the best move, but at least we'll see a fight. Once he kills the ninja they will have a ninja funeral where the ninja mom and ninja dad will bury the ninja son. While this is happening me and tress will kidnap the 18 year old hot ninja chick and teach her how to swallow a sword. Once we have this fine, fine ninja chick all to our selves we are going to show her a computer and teacher her how to use one by relating it to ninjaism. First things first, the keyboard. Since a ninja is good at gaining physical access to things we decided to show her the art of hacking a keyboard in hopes that she will go around door to door and change people's homepage to b0g.org. So to introduce her to the keys we showed her a trick you can do to help promote b0g and be ninja eleet at the same time. This is to arrange the keys order to something like this: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ||b |||0 |||g ||| |||j |||u |||5 |||7 ||| |||0 |||w |||n |||e |||d || ||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|| |/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\| ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ||j |||0 |||0 |||r ||| |||k |||3 |||y |||b |||0 |||4 |||r |||d ||| || ||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|| |/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\| and to always carry multiple 0 keys in your ninja pouch, because each keyboard requires an additional 4 to complete this task. After the secret key switching technique comes how to hit the enter key. Now most people hit the enter key like every other key, this is not acceptable for a ninja. Hitting the enter key like any other key is a sign to admins that you are entering a command, it is totally against the ninja ways to show any signs of an attack. Ninjas are quiet and undetectable, and so must be their enter key. So tress oiled the keyboard for ninjachick and showed her how to do the fatal carriage return attack. That is to scream HHHHIIIYYYAAA!!!! and slam down the enter key with so much force that it smashes the stack and gives root. Works every time. Next we must disable the computer so that the forensics team cannot find out any info about the break in. Instead of taking the computer or disposing of it we showed her how to chop the keyboard in half. This makes input impossible, since keyboards are so expensive not many admins will have an extra one they can just plug in to use. [Advertising b0g Part 2ew] From Muppets And Puppets To Rhyming Couplets While b0iler and eye were stoning up, getting high we started talking about advertising b0g. As you read above of b0il's plans you will also read below of eks's plans. Most of us eat, live and breathe b0g. Others of us b0g is a pastime for us, in between binge drinking and loads of max tripp0rs%#^ So either way advertising b0g. Educating the world on our policies of (enter the fuckers here.) Why? Because you're worth it. ............Sub Article Contents.............. [1] Muppets, Puppets and Other Fagity Animals. .............................................. [1] b0g can be spread through its entirety of childrenÆs television shows. It doesn't matter how fucking ghey the program is or what its about, as kids will be mind-bent on watching it a kiddie drug if you must and not just because it has subliminal messages (like b0gs old layout h0h0$#@ unknownage ownage^$#) and not because of presenter odin's random bursts of dialog but because it will have the most elite fucking muppets/puppets/fagity animals. The show will mix max programs. 'Sooty and Sweep' + 'The Tweenies' + 'Blue's Clues'' + 'Basil Brush' = b0g (builders 0f [Enter good personality trait word starting with G]) Not only will this be a kid drug but it would also target the 20 year plus male group. All because of one co-host.... NIQUE :o~ ohhh yeah thats right people CO-HOST NIQUE!!!$@!$#@%$#. With her seksy hella revealing clothes (she'll be made to wear in the name of b0g >XD well actually because of producer eks and b0ils. h0h0 <3) Following is a small pilot of 'b0g' {Characters}....................{Roles Played}.............................................................................. . [Presenters] Odin ______________________Why? Because he's good with kids..... Nique ______________________She's hot, need eye say more? [Minions] Phyrewyre ______________________Owner of 'JaJa' and only one who can translate his language. K-rad-bob ______________________Dressed up in a big novelty south african tribesman costume, for two reasons. 1) Because he's ugly otherwise and will scare the kids 2) Its degrading for him and makes me and b0iler laugh%#@ bwahahaa..ha..haha... Camo ______________________Chinese kid who's always on his computer and tries to get it on with nique all the time. [Muppets/Puppets] Ninjette ______________________Small puppet with uber ninja stealth capabilites also being female h0h0 Dober Hun ______________________A small drug tripped monster that was an offspring of presenter Odin JaJa ______________________Orange fuzzy GeKKo_ that only speaks 'JAjajajAjaJA' and 'HacKAcaHavcKCAHacK' r00t ______________________Always steals camos' passwords' and fucks up his box. REPRESENTING ASCII b0g »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» Odin ^0_o^ Nique (.)(.) Camo <(-)_(-)> phyrewyre ï^¢(ò╕ò)ï^¢ k-rad-bob {{{{{{8-(|) 4_____4 .'┤»┤'. dober hun / ╒ ╒ \ ninjette %=======| \__-__/ |(-»»-)| {-----} `. * .Æ »»»»» `''` _____ ╡╡╡╡╡╡ / o \ r00t ï|(*)(*)|¢ | v^v^v -- JA jAJ aJAJAJ JAJA jaJAJA | 6 | \ _/ ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ , | |___, | / |---, \\_/ / \_/|||| |||| |_|_> ..................................................................................... ........................................ [Intro - h4x4r! souped up real gay and happy like] ..................................................................................... ........................................ Odin: HUNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ :-******** <3 to aLL p4cket kiddies%%#@@%^ Nique: Thats right its another b0g. Daily for once and not 7 monthly (meanwhile k-rad-tribesman is running around everywhere in the background with his spear and pig under one arm) .4-. .-------.' ñ\_ _-» PIG9Y ` _| ---- Weee3Eee3EEeEeEee333eee333eeee ~o~\ ,..' \||_ⁿ_ⁿ_ⁿ__\\/ || \\ || \\ Odin: T4P DAt BOOTY^# m4X Tripp0r h4rhh4rh4rh ANALA BEASTE$@# Nique: Oh look...here comes JaJa and Phyre!! Hello Phyre! Hello JaJA! JaJa: JaJAJAJjAjaJ HAckaJAkCAJChack Hack JA JAaja Phyrewyre: HoLA NIQUE JAJAAJja Sayz Ur BoobEEZ Are NIice Looking#@ And he Wants A Sandwich%$#@ (Nique goes and makes a sandwich while we see odin discreetly but obviously take more ACiD) Camo: STFU%#@ FAGIT PHYRE%#!@ dont talk to nala hun like that <3 nique <3 <3 <3 (Camo goes back to his porn doctoring w/ niques head) (Ninjette attacks camo with her uber ninja stealth while r00t takes camo's password and deletes his pr0n) (Nique comes back with sandwich for JaJa) JaJa: JAjaAJaJAAJaJAajAJajAJ AJ aj AJ aJJAJA AjaAJ aj AJAJAA JA JAaj AJJA ja JAJaj HACK HACK HCAHCKA JAJAja JAJAJA ajAJA Phyrewyre: 'Thanks' Nique: OK viewers and audience members we are going to play a game. Its called 'Hack The Planet Seven Point OoooHHH' (Odin maxxes out into audience and picks up a couple of 8 yr old girls....surprise surprise) (Odin and Dober Hun start max tripp0r gein and start getting naked infront of little kiddies) {Broadcasting goes dead and cops come in to arrest odin. odin spends his following weeks in county jail where he gets his colon cleaned by big 400 pound mexicanos.} {TV Feed Re-Activates with the audience gone and FBI agents sitting in their place.} Nique: Ahhhhh sorry for that kids...but seeing we have censorship now...we'll skip right to the end of the show.....Kris Kross will be in this mofo after the ad breaks..... ääää ╡╡╡╡ / ≥╕≤\ _____________________________ /≥╕≤ \ \ . / |\___________________________ /| \ , / i i | | y0 YO Y0 | | i i .'»»\/»»'. | | W3RD FR0M KR15 KROS5 | | .'»»\/»»'. | \____/ | | | JUMP..JuMP | | | \____/ | \___/____/ | | W3 OWND j00 1n '91 | | \___\____/ l"" | | | &ND WE STILL DEW | | l ""| í=======í | | | | |=======J í___ ___í | | P4CKE7 f00!!! | | !___ ___! í|X| |X|í |/ »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» \| !|X| |X|! í»»»!»»»í »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» !»»»í»»»! í ! í REPRESENTIN' b0g ! í ! í __! __í !__ í__ ! í/__\/__\ /__\/__\! (ADS) (RE-ENTER SHOW W/ "kris kross will make ya.....jump jump" playing the background) Nique: HEY KIDS WE'RE BACK WITH KRIS KROSS THE 1991 RAPPERS OF YOUNG. What's up my homies..... \|/ (Kris Starts Freestylin') Kris: This is the daddy mack right here straight serve.... Nique: Oh really? Kris: ....Oh i thought you knew this is the mack daddy, macking hoes 24 to the 7..... Nique: mmmmmm Kris: ....Whats my name? whats your name, im that playa kris taylor..... Nique: ya'll look young. Kris: ....oh we look too young? why don't you tell them silly freaks how your off. Kross: I say im 17 now but will you treat me like im 21 i say i know things in the game that aint never been done from macking girls that were twice my age... Kris: Uh-huh Kross: ...Getting twice the play... Kris: Uh-huh Kross: Then i owe that nigger on a day to day basis, relaxing with the finest girls in the world, staying out late and coming home in the earl, now who woulda thought the m-a-c would come so clean i keep a girl from the cover of a magazine, for show for sight the type of girl ya like... Nique: Oh yah like i believe you boy ya shot but you missed, now what up with your homie mack daddy kris. Kris: I say im 16 now but will you treat me like im 21 go on around the world meeting girls having fun, and in the last 4 years of my life is like a dream, new experiences and things that you couldn't believe. Nique: I really don't know about you boys, to me y'all both seem kinda homo, wearing those baggy pants backwards and all, I think i'd rather have my triad camo. (Camo jumps in air w00-ing and teevee show ends) d8888 .d888 888 88888888888 888 d88888 d88P" 888 888 888 d88P888 888 888 888 888 d88P 888 888888 888888 8888b. 888 88888b. .d88b. d88P 888 888 888 "88b 888 888 "88b d8P Y8b d88P 888 888 888 .d888888 888 888 888 88888888 d8888888888 888 Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888 Y8b. d88P 888 888 "Y888 "Y888888 888 888 888 "Y8888 .d8888b. 888 888 .d88888b. 888 888 d88P Y88b 888 888 d88P" "Y88b 888 o 888 Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888 d8b 888 "Y888b. 8888888888 888 888 888 d888b 888 "Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888d88888b888 "888 888 888 888 888 88888P Y88888 Y88b d88P 888 888 Y88b. .d88P 8888P Y8888 " Y8888P" 888 888 "Y88888P" 888P Y888 (Producer's b0iler and xhaze confront the little bitchez and challenge them to a freestyle) xhaze: its eks-haze with his mate b0iler, the back slasher, head smasher, cop bashing f00 came here to challenge j00 kidz who can't even tie their own shoe, to a fast rapping pace beating, uber freestylin war b0iler: thatz right beetch, we be rapping bout hoe using, drug abusing topics and more, we'll own you so damn right, beat you so bad we'll turn y0 black ass white. (BOOM EKS AND b0ils START TO BEAT THAT SHIT) xhaze: Special-K waz the way on the clubbing scene, dealing weed dealin speed it was one in the same. We slapped them bitchez and hit them bitchez from behind all niiight, me favourite a tweaked out 18yr old hunni tiiight, loved that shit, wanted that shit, buzzed on my shit riiight. mixed up M-D-A, cocaine and oh yeah PE_YO_TE, she <3ed when i called her a slut bitch and whore, twas a fucking good night filled with max trip0r... b0iler: xhaze is buggin.. from the cops we are runnin. Time to go clubbin, all night long. Everythings going great, it's a quarter to 8, when dumbass accedently dropped the bong ;( What was I to do, we had no glue. I said "Fuckit lets just eat this shit" When out of nowhere comes camo, packing a cone. Takin a toke my god the smoke was as white as a bone. in my desper-ation, I needed inhal-ation. So I reached out for the piece. Little did I know homies life would soon cease, as sirens sounded and lights befounded twas the motherfuckin police. With one pull of the trigger, my nigger haze got hit, all he replied was camo's shit was legit%@#%# (Kris Kross try to follow the leet eks and boiler's style.) Kris: im a mack and i......get girls in the sack Kross: them babes fucked me like a bee to honey xhaze: come on you boi's don't lie, all your've seen is your sister through spy Kross: we be freshing that shit im sure you are wrong Kris: what is that thing that you called a bong? b0iler: fuck up kiddiez its time for your bed, as i look at my clock its 7 something, you better run home or your mummy's will ring^$@# (Kris Kross run home crying) ooooooooooooo oooo 8' 888 `8 `888 888 888 .oo. .ooooo. 888 888P"Y88b d88' `88b 888 888 888 888ooo888 888 888 888 888 .o o888o o888o o888o `Y8bod8P' oooooooooooo ooooo ooo oooooooooo. `888' `8 `888b. `8' `888' `Y8b 888 8 `88b. 8 888 888 888oooo8 8 `88b. 8 888 888 888 " 8 `88b.8 888 888 888 o 8 `888 888 d88' o888ooooood8 o8o `8 o888bood8P' b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! News of the Bizarre 1 - When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, CA, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked. 2 - Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.' 3 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 4 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. 5 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish. 6 - A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck. 7 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol. 8 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago return! ed with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. 9 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing. 10 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 4:. - [ Crypto For Newbies ] [b0iler] :. ] [http://b0iler.advknowledge.net] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ #!/usr/bin/perl # this will screw up all the perl, encoding, tables, charts, and encryption.. # so go ahead and do it :D $text[0] =~ s/newbies/bogsters/ig; @text =~ tr/aeiloz/431102/; Written for b0g... since most b0g readers and idlers in #b0g have no clue what they are doing I wrote up a little tutorial to help you with the basics of common encoding and encryption techniques. I promise this paper isn't that boring and you actually run across this stuff if you plan to 'hack the planet!@#'. Table of contents -Intro -Uuencode -Base64 -Rot-13 -XOR -DES (section including how to use JTR) -Conclusion [Intro] Alright, I know you have read some crypto tutorial on the web before and you probably got confused at the first site of "cipher". In this tutorial I will not describe very in depth of how the crypto works, but I will go over the very basics and introduce you to the different types of common encryptions and encoding schemes used on the net. I will go over how to encrypt and decrypt each of them so this tutorial should be a walk in the park. I've added a section on JTR, it is not very detailed.. but nether is the rest of this tutorial. It should be enough to get you going with JTR and crack a few password files. There are a few basic encoding methods used. I say encoding because they are just other ways of presenting data, unlike encryption they do not try to keep the message secret. Anyone can decode them without knowing the key, all they need to know is which program to use to decode it, or how to arrange the letters. Three very basic forms of encoding are uuencode (.uue) base64 (.b64) and rot13 (doesn't have a file extension as far as I know) All of these encoding methods are really simple to understand and decode. I'll also go over XOR and DES, which are true forms of encryption. [Uuencode] uuencode stands for unix to unix encoding also called uue, it was once only for unix systems, but now can be used on almost all operating systems. What uuencode does is convert the file (picture, text, program, etc..) bit-stream into 7-bit ascii. This makes it possible for times when you cannot transfer binary files, you can encode them in ascii and transfer them. uuencode is often used in emails and most email clients can handle uuencode. You can encode a file into uuencode by going to a *nix command prompt, if you don't have *nix get a shell account, and use the command 'uuencode file.txt file.uue' if file.txt is the file you want encoded and it will become encoded into a file created called file.uue. Here is a trick if you only want the output on the screen, instead of being saved in a file, use /dev/stdout as the output: 'uuencode file.txt /dev/stdout'. Also to be noted that when you uuencode a file it is increased in size by around 42%. On a couple systems (both older mandrake) I had problems with the output file, it was not created. Instead mandrake seems to send the output to /dev/stdout (your screen) every time and not to the file you specify as the output. You could set the stdout to any file you want and then run uuencode and it would work. With every other system I've used worked as normal. To decode uuencode you use the 'uudecode' command with 'uudecode -o file.txt file.uue' this will decode file.uue and send the output to file.txt. Another simple way to decode uuencode is to use a program most ever windows user has, winzip. Simply name the uuencoded file: file.uue and open it in winzip and follow the instructions on decoding it (press next, next, next... not that hard). So how can you tell if something is encoded in uue? First check if it has an extension, if it is .uue then it is uuencoded. If the file doesn't have an extension or is just text it should be like this: begin 644 blah.txt M=&AI<R!T97AT('=A'0@ M=V%S(&AA<FUE9"!I;B!T:&4@8W)E871I;VX@;V8@=&AI<R!F:6QE+@IA;'1H H;W5G:"!A(&9E=R!C<'4@8WEC;&5S('=E ` end Now there are a few ways to tell this is uuencoded. First, all uuencoding starts with 'begin' and then the file permissions of the file, in this case '664'. Then the file name, 'blah.txt'. Another way to tell is that uuencode uses the first character of each line to tell how long that line is, in this case the first 3 lines use 'M' and the last line, which is shorter, uses a different letter 'H'. The second to last line is always ' and the very last line in uuencoded files is 'end'. So if you don't know what kind of encoding is used just look for these signs. [base64] Well base64 is the grand daddy of all encoding methods. It uses less cpu power to encode/decode than uuencode and uuencode increases the file size much more, base64 only increases file size by about 33%. Base64 is compliant with us ascii and ebedic standards, nether of which uuencode is, making base64 much more compatible. Base64 is pretty much the standard when sending email attachments now. It uses what is known as MIME (Multipurpose Internet Mail Extensions) when used with email attachments. It is also used with some weak authentication methods. Like uue, base64 turns binary into ascii so it is able to be transfered when binary transfer cannot be established. Base64 uses 65 characters for encoding, 64 actual characters and 1 character which is =, it is used for signaling the end of the base64. Here is a base64 chart: Table 1: The Base64 Alphabet Value Encoding Value Encoding Value Encoding Value Encoding 0 A 17 R 34 i 51 z 1 B 18 S 35 j 52 0 2 C 19 T 36 k 53 1 3 D 20 U 37 l 54 2 4 E 21 V 38 m 55 3 5 F 22 W 39 n 56 4 6 G 23 X 40 o 57 5 7 H 24 Y 41 p 58 6 8 I 25 Z 42 q 59 7 9 J 26 a 43 r 60 8 10 K 27 b 44 s 61 9 11 L 28 c 45 t 62 + 12 M 29 d 46 u 63 / 13 N 30 e 47 v 14 O 31 f 48 w (pad) = 15 P 32 g 49 x 16 Q 33 h 50 y You can encode base64 by using the same command for uuencode with the -m option.Although there is a popular program called mpack which can do this aswell. Mpack comes for a variety of operating systems, the windows version is located at ftp://ftp.andrew.cmu.edu/pub/mpack/mpack15d.zip the others are in the /pub/mpack directory. Using mpack should be pretty easy since it comes with a help file (readme.dos). Mpack doesn't just do base64, it does a few mime types.To decode base64 you can use uudecode or munpack (comes with mpack), uudecode will automaticly sense that it is base64 when decoding so do it just like decoding uuencode. Mpack comes with that readme.dos file which will explain everything very easily. Here is an example of what blah.txt looks like encoded in base64: begin-base64 644 blah.txt dGhpcyB0ZXh0IHdhcyBlbmNvZGVkIGluIHV1ZW5jb2RpbmcuCm5vIHRleHQg d2FzIGhhcm1lZCBpbiB0aGUgY3JlYXRpb24gb2YgdGhpcyBmaWxlLgphbHRo b3VnaCBhIGZldyBjcHUgY3ljbGVzIHdlcmUgdXNlZCB1cC4KOy0oCg== ==== (note: the above is a bad example on how b64 is generally smaller than uue) Sometimes you will see content-type headers on base64 files, such as: Content-Type: application/octet-stream; name="a.txt" Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 Content-Disposition: inline; filename="a.txt" Content-MD5: LByIVUcB0AGQTTnYDyzOjQ== VGhpcyBpcyBiYXNlNjQsIGFuZCB5b3UganVzdCBkZWNvZGVkIGl0IGNvcnJlY3RseSE= A few ways to tell this was base64 is that it says it's "Content-Transfer-Encoding" is base64. But also it ends in = which is a big hint, sometimes base64 ends in multiple ='s. Another way to tell is if the document contains many strings of "ICAg" which is used for a space. Often in longer base64 encoded files you will find many ICAg's all together like: ICAgICAgICAgICAgICAgICAgICAgICAg this is a sign that the file is base64 encoded. $text[201] =~ s/icag/b0g!#@!/ig; #har har har [Rot-13] Rot-13 is probably the most basic type of encryption. It just rotates the letters in the alphabit by 13 characters. Since the alphabit is 26 letters it just moves letters to a new letter. It isn't really an encryption type, it is just a way you can keep msg's from less net swavvy people. Also it is used sometimes to keep info some people might not want to know hidden, for example the ending of a movie might be in rot-13 so people who want to know can read it, and those who don't can watch the movie themselves =) Here is the rot-13 alphabit... a = n b = o c = p d = q e = r f = s g = t h = u i = v j = w k = x l = y m = z Rot-13 is a type of caesar cipher, which means each letter is replaced by another letter and the replacement depends only on the plaintext character. To encrypt or decrypt rot-13 you can use the alphabit above, or just go to www.rot13.com and fill out the form. [XOR] XOR stands for eXclusive OR. What it does is it checks 2 values against each other and if they are the same it will return a false (or 0) value, if they are different it will return a true (or 1) value. Since xor works on the binary level it only compares 0's and 1's. To decode xor you can write a simple program. In most languages ^ is the xor operator. So it would be: "whateverstring" ^= 1; you can even use the windows (or any other OS) calculator to do it. Start->Run->calc.exe then click view and select scientific. Enter in a number, select the 'bin' (binary) button and then press 'xor', go back to 'dec' (decimal) and enter in a second number (also known as the mask), press 'bin' again and then press '='. It should be something like this: 170 change to binary you can see it is: 10101010 xor 255 change to binary you can see it is: 11111111 = 1010101 change to decimal: 85 Now, if you followed along above you will know that it checks the binary values against each other. I'll do it by hand so you can see how it works. 10101010 11111111 -------- 01010101 if you still don't see it, let me explain: 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 Now here is a perl script for an XOR encryptor/decryptor: --- script kiddies grep for 'cut here' --- #!/usr/bin/perl # Get Otp here: http://www3.marketrends.net/encrypt/download/Babel_Otp_Rot13.tar # # encrypt/decrypt xor # use Otp; $xor = new Otp; print 'type e for encrypt, anything else for decrypt:'; chomp($todo = <STDIN>); if ($todo eq 'e'){ print 'type in the string you want encrypted:'; $orignal = <STDIN>; print 'type in the key you want to use:'; $key = <STDIN>; $encrypted = $xor->Otp($orignal,"$key"); } else{ print 'type in the string you want decrypted:'; $encrypted = <STDIN>; print 'type in the key to decrypt the string:'; $key = <STDIN>; $orignal = $xor->Otp($encrypted,"$key"); } print "The original string is: $orignal\n"; print "The encrypted string is: $encrypted\n"; exit; ---script kiddies cannot bother looking at tthe code, so 'stop cutting here'--- If you don't know the mask of xor you can brute force it with a program called Vcrack (Unix version here) Although it will have to be a pretty weak password for this to work in a reasonable amount of time. (don't expect it to crack keys and strings longer than 10 characters). [DES] DES stands for Data Encryption Standard, it is a very commonly used encryption method. So common infact that it is used on nearly very *nix machine to encrypt the password. DES unlike most of the above cannot be easily decrypted by moving bits or performing a simple command. There is no reasonable way of decrypting DES, instead you have to rely on "brute forcing" the password. What brute forcing means is trying different passwords until you get the right one, this might be 100 guesses, it might be 100,000,000. It depends on how good the password the user picked is. Now this is pretty interesting.. when IBM originally created DES they used a 128bit key, but when NSA (National Security Agency) made it standard they lowered it to 56bits. This made the encryption much weaker. Some people (cough*everyone*cough) think that they made it weaker because with 128bit they would not be able to brute force it. Also, it has been reported that the government has tried to stop research and documentation on more advanced ciphers. Since brute forcers usually try all the combinations of letters first it is always smart to add in a number or two for your passwords. Using both upper and lower case letters can also help, as well as adding a special character such as: &) Now I won't explain how DES works in detail but the basics are that it takes a message and breaks it into 64 bits groups and takes a key that is 56 bits (actually 64 bits, but every 8th bit is ignored). DES is a block cipher, what that means is it takes plaintext and groups it into a fixed length (64-bits) and then does it's encryption algorithm. A seed is kind of the key to the whole thing, when you encrypt des you get the seed as the first two characters in the encrypted data. Run the following script and check the first two characters of your encrypted password with your chosen seed. To encrypt DES you can use this perl script: --- script kiddies grep for 'cut here' --- #!/usr/local/bin/perl # # script to encrypt des. #to decrypt you will need to brute force it. # print 'enter in the username:'; chomp($username = <STDIN>); $password = 1234567890; while((length($password)) > 8){ print 'enter in the password (8 or less characters):'; #remember it is a block cipher of 64 bits (8 bytes) chomp($password = <STDIN>); } $seed = 'not_two'; while ((length($seed)) != 2){ print 'enter in the seed (2 characters):'; #seeds must be 2 characters chomp($seed = <STDIN>); } $encrypted = crypt($password, $seed); print "your username:password is:\n\n"; print "$username:$encrypted"; exit; ---script kiddies cannot bother looking at tthe code, so 'stop cutting here'--- To decrypt you need to use a program that can brute force it. The hackers favorite is JTR, John The Ripper, available for both windows and *nix systems. I will go over how to use JTR to it's fullest. [Using JTR] Step one in using JTR is getting and installing jtr on your computer. Head over to http://www.openwall.com/john/ and get the version of JTR you would like. After you finish installing JTR get out the username and password you would like to crack. If you do not know what the username and password looks like or do not have a username and password to crack just use b0iler for the username and YyBWL06.zBiZE for the encrypted password. Now to create the file that JTR will crack, put the username and password in this format b0iler:YyBWL06.zBiZE so it's username:password if you are trying to crack a *nix password file (/etc/shadow) you can leave it in it's current format. You can also put multiple username and passwords in like b0iler:YyBWL06.zBiZE:0:0:owns:/home/b0iler:/bin/bash root:Yym34X1Wq86GI:0:0:pansy:/dev/null:/bin/sh cyrus:YySNBbemZw8pI:9999:10:obese:/slim/fast:/bin/hamburger All you really need is the username:password, but since the *nix password file contains more info on users you can just leave them in (it will make no difference to JTR). Here is a tip, if you do not care which user's password you crack just run them all. If you want root then take out the rest, save them in a different file just incase. Save the file in the same directory as JTR, you can name it anything (ex. pass1.txt). Now go to a command prompt, *nix users will know how.. windows users start->programs->MS-DOS prompt->type in: cd c:\unzipped\john-16w (or whatever dir it is in) then cd john-16 (or whatever dir) and finally cd run. This is the directory where you should have saved your password file you wish to crack. Now run jtr by issuing john -single pass1.txt or use whatever you named your password file. What this does is do a very basic brute force attack on the password. The -single attack is a very quick and basic attack which tries to break weak passwords. If this does not work, or if you know that the users pick strong passwords I would move onto using JTR's ability to use wordlist (otherwise known as dictionary) attacks. What this does is allows you to use a file called a wordlist in JTR's attack. JTR will try every string of characters in the wordlist file and see if any are the passwords. To use a wordlist issue this command john -w:wordlist.txt pass1.txt you can get a wordlist at http://wordlist.sourceforge.net/ I would recommend a wordlist around 3mb, it will crack most standard passwords people pick. Now you can add rules to JTR to make it work extremely fast, but for this you need to know a little about the password. Like if it uses numbers or only letters, if it is a certain number of characters long, etc.. Most of the time you have no clue, so telling newbies about rules is mostly pointless and will just be confusing. Just stick with the standard ways unless you know some info on the passwords. If you know that the password is 7 characters then by all means please tell JTR that! It will allow JTR to only try combinations of 7 characters so it will crack the pass ALOT faster. But as I said, it is rare that you know anything about the passwords like this :/ The last method you should try is incremental, this attack tries every possible combination of characters until it gets it. This means it could take a long long time for JTR to crack it.. but it will crack it. To do an incremental attack issue this command john -i:all pass1.txt This will go through every possible character, number, and special character until it gets it. If you don't think the users use special characters use john -i:lanman pass1.txt This will try characters, numbers .. but just a few special characters. Now there are other more advanced ways to use JTR, some are very cool and can save you a lot of time, such as the ability to use multiple computers on the same password. This splits up the time it takes by a lot. Lets say you use your schools computer lab for a night. If it has 20 computers you are almost garenteed that one of them will crack it =) Also editing the configuration file: john.ini will allow you more customization. Since this is more advanced and not done by normal JTR users I will let the ones who wish to learn about it visit Monkee's Advanced JTR Tutorial. Now let JTR run for A LONG TIME, don't email me asking why it is taking over 12 hours to crack a password. JTR has to brute force it.. this takes lots of time. Don't be surprised to spend a long time waiting for it to crack. When I say long, I mean L O N G. If you think 12 hours is long I will just laugh at you. While JTR is running you can check it's status by pressing enter. This will display where it is at, how fast it is going, and other info you might find amusing. Once it's done check the default cracked password file: john.pot .. with any luck you'll get the password and be home free. JTR can also be used to brute force other forms of encryption.. although I've had problems in the past trying to use JTR to crack other cryptos. [Conclusion] Well, that's all a newbie would need to know about crypto to get into it. Encoding, decoding, detecting the type of crypto used.. that's all you need to know to break the basic types of crypto widely used. If you wish to get more into crypto you will need to understand how the algorithms of the encryption work, for this you will need to be above average in math and be very deticated to it. If you are interested in learning about more advanced crypto I have heard for many, many people that the book "Applied Cryptography" is the best book ever written for learning cryptography. A few other encryption methods you might want to look into include PGP, ssl, twofish, blowfish, tripleDES, and steganography. Most of the stuff I covered I learned from reading, some from experimenting, and a little bit is just my opinion or take on things. I coded all the scripts and don't care if you distribute them under your name or whatever since they took me a total of like 12 minutes to do. I didn't even use any leetspeak in this article :D About The Author Written by b0iler http://b0iler.advknowledge.net - lots of 0day hacking tutorials With thanks to: monkee - very smart guy. litewait -- I can't find your tutorial anymore ;/ Cyrus - www.cyruslabs.com l8nite - better at crypto than I am. " bob bob bob.. can't you see.. Sometimes your articles ejaculate me.. And I just love your goatsex shit.. All the lamers agree that you got nice tits. -funk master b0iler and the furious alt+F4 " b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question asked was," Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. - In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant. - In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant. - In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant. - In South America they did not know what 'please' meant. - And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 5:. - [ how to create a cheap gravity bong ] [ford perfect] :. ] [fprefect@mechpilot.com] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Supplies: Aquarium vacuum - $4.99 Tin foil - cheap 2 dope fiends - free Notes: if you donÆt know what a aquarium vacuum is it is a long tube with a large cylinder at the end used to clean out fish tanks using the whole syphon technique. You can find these in any pet supply place. Procedure: First, take some tin foil and make a bowl with it large enough to cover the open end of the cylinder. Poke a number of holes in the foil and place it in the open end of the cylinder. Insert weed. Have one fiend hold the cylinder and sit on the floor [or anywhere lower than the toker]. You should know what to do from here. Warning: Be careful, a lot of smoke WILL enter your lungs. The first time I hit one of these I puked. Shouts: ph0nejack, madman, kasper, cindy. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! , ', . | ' ', , , . , ', ' _ ,. -, ' ,' , ', ', ', ', ,' ,' '-,_ .' ` ' ' ' ,' ' ' , ' _,.'` '-._. , ' ,'' ' '-. ,._ --,._ ' , ' ' ,_ . `' , , ' ._ ,' `' .--, _,., @ , . ' - '-.,_ ` '-, , | @ ' ' ' _,' ` '_,.- ,'-., '` ' ' ._| |'-. _ _________ . ` | ,_,___| | | |' ' . '. | ,'___|___ |__| . . ` '-. | | | | . ' ' ___ '-. __|___|__ ,' , ', .' '. ,-------'` `''` b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 6:. - [ being leet with BitchX ] [herk] :. ] [herk@chimp.ca] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Brought to j00 by: herk >> herk@chimp.ca >> http://chimptrix.chimp.ca And EFnet's #fnordia / #hfx / #whiterabbit Hail to the chimp! Everybody knows that all truly l33t IRC'ers use BitchX, and you can too! But surprisingly few BitchX users actually know what the hell they're doing, the elite version reply is all they seek. Today we learn to mold BitchX (henceforth abbreviated bx) into a functional irc client, and ultimately you won't even miss mIRC anymore. These bx'isms hold true for BitchX-1.0c18 run on Debian GNU Linux with a 2.4.4 kernel. Most will hold for past and future versions of bx run on various other operating systems as well, but no guarantees. ########################################################### Gibbor me that l33t * me is away: (hax0ring) [BX-MsgLog On] ########################################################### First up, we've gotta have that phat /away system. By default, send_away_msg is off, so your /away's and /back's will show up on your screen but not on anyone else's. To start sending your away info publicly: /set send_away_msg on /save You now have a fully functional away system with logging and away times and a msg that gets sent to every damn channel you're on. Note that when changing bx settings you almost always have to /save, otherwise you'll lose whatever you've done as soon as you shutdown your client. Away info sometimes annoys channel operators, so use it wisely. If you'd prefer not to broadcast your whereabouts: /set send_away_msg off Then again, no channel op in his or her right mind would dare mess with an authentic BitchX user. You'll probably soon notice bx auto-away kicking in, by default after 10 minutes. This can be really annoying, both to you and to others. Shut it off with: /toggle auto_aw ############################################### I can't stand so many channels! I need windows! ############################################### Not a problem my good man. (or woman, which would be ubercool.) bx gives us the power to create windows within a text only client. /window new double on hide You just created yourself a second window. Changing windows within bx can usually be done with ALT + [1-9]. Your default window is obviously ALT + 1. The window we just created is ALT + 2. If you run the command again, making a third window, you can get to it with ALT + 3. Some terminals screw this up, and problems arise in other areas when the ALT key is bound to do something else. (ie. in WindowMaker) In cases where you find ALT + number not working, you can usually substitute ESC + number. To get rid of a window: /window kill You can do alot more with the /window command, and only an idiot wouldn't take 5 seconds to learn how to properly alias commands. (/window new double on hide is a bitch to type every time you log on) The following are a few quick /window aliases stolen from cypress, a bx script: # something we need for the rest of these aliases alias channame if (left(1 $0)==[#]) {return $0} {return #$0} # create a new window alias wc {window new hide_others double on split on} # create a new window and join a channel in it alias wj if ([$0]) {wc;^window bind $channame($0);join $0-} {echo Usage: /wj <channel>} # kill this window alias wk {window kill} # kill this window and part the current channel alias wlk {part $C;wk} # take me to the next window alias wn {window next} # take me to the previous window alias wp {window previous} These aliases aren't really intended to be entered while in bx. It's much more efficient to include them in a small script, which you'll learn how to do in just a second. These aliases provide some basic window control, but there's alot more you can do. Read the documentation, or get yourself a script with a decent window module. (I'll speak briefly on scripts near the end of this article) bx has a few other window features worth mentioning. Firstly you can bind multiple channels to one window. By that I mean /join all your hax0r channels in your main window, create another, /join all your warez channels, create another, /join all the channels you only idle in for a leet /whois reply and really don't give a damn about who's talking in them, etc. This let's you keep things a little more organized, and you should of course know that Ctrl+x is used to switch the channel you're speaking to in any given window. Secondly, you can log on to multiple irc servers/networks within one bx session. Create yourself a new window and do: /server +irc.whatever.org Instantly you're on another server where you can join channels and go about your business the same as on your original server in your other windows. This can get screwy when a server cuts you off, and sometimes it just breaks. Test it out and see how it performs for you. ####################################################### I can't type this shit in every fucking time asshole!!! ####################################################### This somewhat leads us into our next topic, scripts. A script is nothing more than a collection of regular bitchx commands saved into a plain ASCII text file. These commands get executed when you load the filename: /load filename /save's won't keep your aliases, so you need to put these and various other things into a script to save yourself carpal tunnel down the road. Whenever you start bx it looks for a default script in your home directory named .bitchxrc. This is a good place to put your aliases, or of you store them in another file, load it from within this one. ie: 1. Open ~/.bitchxrc in your favorite text editor. 2. Add the line: load filenameyouputyouraliasesin 3. Restart bx. It's just that simple. And you can put any other commands here you with, each on a separate line. A leading / isn't required, although it probably won't hurt anything. ############### Kicking l4m3rz. ############### Builtin commands for this are pretty straightforward. To kick someone with an optional reason: /k <user> [reason] If you don't specify a reason, you'll end up with a default random one from a file somewhere on your system. I however strongly recommend you make a text file containing your own kick messages in: ~/.BitchX/BitchX.reasons The default file on my system is in: /usr/local/lib/bx/BitchX.reasons You'll probably find a few other files in this directory, which you can easily replace by placing a file of the same name in your ~/.BitchX directory. BitchX.quit is another file worth making for yourself. Anyhow, back to the harassing of lamers, /kb works just like /k, only with a ban. That's enough for now. ############################## Private Cybersex0ring Sessions ############################## Ok pervert, this'll start sounding scary and then get better. To send a private message in bx: /msg <nickname> Wake up, Neo... Looks annoying I know. However as soon as you do this, or as soon as someone sends a message to you, their nick is available in the TAB list. Clear the input prompt (sekret UNIX hax0r hint: CTRL + u) and start pressing TAB. bx will cycle through the last nicks you talked to, doing all the nasty typing for you. This can still get a little confusing, so in a final use for the /window command, create yourself a new window and type: /query nickname Now you need not press TAB or type anything before your message. This works similar to your query windows in mIRC. DCC chat's a similar, /dcc chat nickname to initiate, and then: /msg =nickname hey bitch to send a message through. Again, once this gets underway bx will take care of that for you, or you can /query =nickname in a separate window to not have to type anything. ################################# I've Got Friends, Let Me Auto-Op! ################################# Auto-opping is often dangerous, but in this age of static ip cable connections and various shell accounts it can be very useful. To add someone to your userlist: /adduser <nick|host> <channel|*> <userlevels> [password] Note that the password isn't a necessary attribute. Most people don't bother with them anyhow since we're only doing this for auto-ops. To further simplify this: /adduser *!herk@nerd.ca * friend,dcc,i_ops To anyone irc'ing from herk@nerd.ca a bunch of friendly stuff, auto-accept dcc's, and auto-ops. (i_ops) There are other flags you can give, and several options for shitlisting people you hate. I don't use these much as eggdrop's are a more common solution. But should you be so inclined: /bhelp adduser /bhelp userlevels /bhelp addshit /bhelp unuser ################################## * I'm to lame to read BitchX.doc * ################################## Not anymore. You can change this lame ircname in for a much cooler one with: /ircname I READ BITCHX.doc This only takes effect on your next server connect. Save yourself some trouble and once again, put it into your .bitchxrc. Or if you'd like to be a bash hax0r, you can edit your .bashrc or .bash_profile, adding the line: export IRCNAME="my ph4t n3w ircn4me." Other shells will of course have similar options. ######################################## Someone keeps stealing my nickname... =/ ######################################## A handy bx feature is the orignick command: /orignick herk Will check for my nickname every 5 seconds (I think) and immediately grab it once it become available. I personally set a hook to start orignick every time I connect to a server with the following line in my ~/.bitchxrc: on connect * orignick herk ######### Detaching ######### This is an insanely useful feature for anyone using bx remotely. Detach allows you to cut away from your bx session and leave it running in the background, your client remains on irc, behaving exactly as it normally would. You can log off the account you're using and go about your business. When you decide to return, you can log back into the account and reattach to your session, just as you left it. To detach from within bx: /detach To reattach from the command prompt: (bash, tcsh, etc.) scr-bx All this is made possible by the massive portion of the GNU screen source code included within bx. It can however be a little buggy at times, so if you find it breaking alot take a few minutes to get to learn GNU screen, a more reliable and potent program which does exactly this and much more. ###################### That's nice, now what? ###################### Well bx has lots of things you can play with. For instance: /toggle /set /fset The list goes on. Explore, experiment, remember to /save, and put everything else in ~/.bitchxrc. bx is supposedly coded to run fine without a script. However I and many others prefer to run a script regardless, and that's ok. bx scripts are readily available at: http://scripts.bitchx.com http://irc.themes.org Personally I highly recommend cypress, for it's ability to specify channels NOT to send your away info too, a nice /config command, and great formats/themes. In conclusion, I don't even use BitchX anymore. It's bloated and buggy, and slow when you're hardware deprived. If BitchX bores you, look into Epic (http://www.epicsol.org) with a good script. (like lice, http://lice.codehack.com) That's all folks! Props to Chimp Productions: magoo / berns / SMuRFY / sz / and yes, even Gary. h t t p : / / w w w . c h i m p . c a -- we don't want no scrubs -- b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! I was a little girl, I had this little thing, when I'd go to bed i'd stick my finger in, now that i'm much older, my finger has lost it's charm, now it takes five fingers, and half my fuckin' arm. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 7:. - [ Hacking Techniques: bouncing the attack ] [b0iler] :. ] [b0iler@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Intro Bouncing Attacks -proxies -wingates -shells Conclusion -Intro- Welcome to the 2nd issue of Hacking Techniques. If you read the first one I am glad to see you liked it enough to want to read this one. This issue will focus on how hackers bounce their attacks so that they do not get caught and so they use the power of a *nix shell. As with the first one this tutorial can both be used by hackers and admins. Hackers will learn how to mount an attack and use proxies to help stay anonymous. Admins will learn how to prevent themselves from being used in an attack as a proxy and prevent stress. If you don't know what a proxy is or how to use a wingate you need to read this tutorial. People who run wingates, proxies, or give shells out also should go over this tutorial as to scare them into securing it. I'll go over a few other random things such as using routers as wingates, and using wingates to bounce your irc sessions. -Bouncing Attacks- There are a few ways to bounce your attack. Sometimes it depends on how you are gonna to do the attack, sometimes it depends on what you got on hand. I will introduce you to 3 ways to bounce you attack. I will not go into using routers as proxies since wingates are fairly easy to get. And I will not go over bouncing your attack off an ftp because all (or very close to all) ftp programs are patched to this by now. Not only should hackers read this next part, but so should admins who want to keep themselves from being used in an attack. Securing their proxies and wingates can help prevent trouble with hackers abusing it. This can save some time and hassle because you will not need to bother with an admin who trying to track down a hacker who used your network to bounce off of. * Bouncing through proxies * Bouncing through wingates * Bouncing with shells Bouncing through proxies Proxies are the most basic way to stay anonymous while on the web. They are used with your web browser to rely data that you are downloading. So when you send data to get a webpage it is first sent to the proxy and then to the webpage. like this: [your computer] -> [proxy] -> [website] Some kinds of proxies, known as cache'ing proxies, will hold local copies of websites people visit. This makes browsing much faster since ideally the connection between you and the proxy is very fast. So instead of having to query the website the proxy will just send out the saved (cache'd) copy and save time and resources. Although this can be a problem as I have had first hand experience with this. When running lame industries we put a script up that allowed people to check out other users email addresses, image, website, names, country, etc.. all info was optional. But the script would check if you were an admin of lame industries and if you were it would display users passwords, cookies, allow you to change the status of users. Now somehow a nice fellow named MaAaX found a cache'ing proxy that had this page cached. Not only was it cache'd.. but it was the admin version cache'd. Some admin of the site must have used that proxy to visit that script, so the proxy saved what he saw. And MaAaX reported this, but he was tricked into reporting it to someone who was not an admin of the site. That person then used the proxy to get an admin's password from the cache'd page. Moral of the story? Don't leave sensitive info out for everyone to see, I would suggest not using a proxy when admining a site through and also to put all scripts which can be used by an admin in a .htaccess protected directory. Proxies are very easy to find and very easy to use. To find them try using a program called Proxy Hunter [ http://go8.163.com/windzh/indexe.htm ] what this program will do is it will scan large ranges of ips for open proxies. Then it will report them to you so you can try them and see if they require a username and password or if you can use them without. Another way is to look on the web for lists of proxies, a few good sites for this are: * cyberarmy's proxy list - ttp://www.cyberarmy.com/lists/proxy/index.shtml * roswell's proxy list - http://tools.rosinstrument.com/proxy/ Don't expect proxies to stay up forever, if one goes down try another. It is fairly simple to set up basic security for your proxy server, get a good access list restricting who can use it. Also, as with all programs, check for known security vulnerabilities in the proxy server itself, and vulnerabilities in your firewall, which you set the access list for the proxy server. To use proxies you need to set up your browser to bounce off of them. In internet explorer this is done by going to Tools->Internet Options...-> Connections->(highlighting your connection)->Settings...->check "Use a proxy server for this connection"->file in the ip or hostname and the port number then press ok, and ok. To set up Netscape to use a proxy select edit->preferences->advanced->proxies ->"Manual proxy configuration" then fill in the hostname or ip and the port number. In lynx (or Mosaic) you would do this at the command line: http_proxy="http://proxy.com:80/"; export http_proxy; exec lynx or exec Mosaic. Now to validate that the proxy is working go to a site which displays server environment variables from a perl/php script. One such site is http://www.cyberarmy.com/cgi/whoami.pl One proxy is good for everyday surfing, but what if you are up to alittle more than just that? (I see that smile on your face) You need to use a technique called chaining proxies. What happends is you rely the data transfer from one proxy, to another, to another, to another ... until it reaches the destination. It is fairly simple to do this, but some proxies don't support it. Other problems include one proxy is slow it makes the connection timeout, too many proxies that the connection times out, and it takes awhile to find 4 or 5 good proxies. This should work in almost every browser, put the proxies in the address bar in this format: http://proxy1.com:80/http://proxy2.com:80/http://proxy3.com:8000/http://site.com this should connect you to site.com using those 3 proxies and the one you put in your configuration (options, preferences.. what we just did above). I've also heard that using http://proxy.com;80-_-http://site.com works, but from my experience it tends to be less supported by proxy servers. Of course if you are having problems getting this to work it may be that the proxy doesn't allow chaining. Now when I say proxies can be used to bounce a connection to a webpage - I mean webpage. You cannot use a normal http proxy on anything besides port 80 (the http port.. for webpages). If you want to bounce connections on other ports try a wingate. So what if you are using an exploit to mount an attack and you are too lazy to use wingates to connect to your shell? You can use something like rain.forrest.puppy's libwhisker, which makes it extremely easy to add proxy support to perl scripts. You can get libwhisker at: http://www.wiretrip.net/rfp/bins/libwhisker/pr4/libwhisker.pm I haven't really looked for a C/C++ version of something like this, since it's just as simple to connect to a shell. One last thing I will go over for proxies is chaining them together, hackers use this so they have more cover when hacking into a script avalible over port 80. To do this you can put proxy1-_-proxy2-_-proxy3-_- before the url, or you can use a program called MultiProxy [ www.multiproxy.org ] to chain anonymous proxies together. What is an anonymous proxy? It is a proxy that will not forward information about you. The main peice of information hackers want to keep secret is their IP address, when a proxy forwards this to a computer it is known as the X-Forward-For. It is a header in the packet which tells the target what computer the proxy is going to send the info to (the hackers IP). Anonymous proxies will leave the REMOTE_ADDR, HTTP_X_FORWARDED_FOR or HTTP_VIA headers blank so that the target has no idea where the attack is comming from. You can check if a proxy is anonymous at http://www.cyberarmy.com/cgi/whoami.pl -Bouncing through wingates- Wingates are a type of proxy that allow you to make a telnet connection. They are intended to be used to allow computers to access the internet through another one, but since many types of wingates allow anyone to connect without a password this can be exploited by hackers and other people to be used to bounce their connection off of. Here is how this works: [hacker's computer] -> [wingate] -> [destination] This snazzy ascii shows how your data will go through a wingate and then to it's destination. So the destination sees it as if the data is coming from the wingate. If you can't see how hackers can use this to their advantage let me explain... Hackers want to keep their ip hidden, they don't want their target to know where they are coming from. This is both so they cannot block the attack as easy and so they do not get in trouble if they do get caught. Using a wingate means that the target doesn't see the hackers ip, it sees the wingate's ip instead. Most hackers use over 3 wingates when hacking, just to be safe. Because if an admin caught the hack attempt and contacted the admin of the wingate logs can be used to find the hackers ip. So if they bounce off of like 5 wingates that means alot more hassle for the attacked admin to go through to find the hacker and the more chance that logs will not be kept or will be deleted by one of the wingate admins. Bouncing hacking attacks off of a wingate is not the only reason a hacker would use one. They are also quite handy when going on some irc servers. The same basic concept applies, the data is bounced off the wingate and then sent to the destination (irc server). So the irc server sees the connection as coming from the wingate. This can allow hackers to get around channel bans, get around glines, hide themselves from others, create clones, etc.. Check your options in irc client to figure out how to use them. (with mirc it's known as a SOCKS 4 firewall in the options.) Since they are useful on an irc, many people on irc tend to be using wingates. This is why I ported a simple port scanner to irssi (also works with BitchX and maybe Xchat). This port scanner is edited to only look for port 23 and 1080 the most commonly used ports for wingates, 23 is telnet, 1080 is SOCKS. What it does is collects people's ips when they enter a channel and then when you issue the command /scan it will check the list of ips for avalible wingates. There is also easy to use scripts for mirc that do this, a search on google for mirc wingate scanner produced many links. You can also use tools that scan wide blocks of ips for wingates using tools like wingate scanners [ http://packetstormsecurity.org/wingate-scanner/ ]. Here is a tip: find a cable or dsl isp and scan their subnet for wingates. Many people on fast connections use wingates for their network to split their bandwidth up and since cable they have a static ip they will not change as often. So do a '/whois user' on someone who is on cable to get their ip, then check all-nettols.com (use "smartwhois") to get their isp's ip range and I scan that for wingates. Wingates tend to go up and down hourly, this is because sometimes people only need them for awhile and when someone does put one up they get alot of traffic from hackers using them to bounce off of, so instead of wasting their bandwidth they secure the wingate or take it down. Because of this you need to scan for wingates all the time. Another reason why irc works good for looking for wingates, you let other people find them for you. =) Not many hackers just use 1 wingate when hacking. This is how using 4 wingates would work (wg = wingate: [hacker] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [destination] Using multiple wingates is required for a hacker, they will not just use one, since it would be easy to track them. But using too many can make things very slow. Anything over 4 and under 10 would be normal. So after you scan (this may take awhile, be patient) and get a few wingates how do you connect to them and use them? This is very simple, but tends to be asked all the time on message boards and chatrooms all over the place. When you telnet to a wingate you need to have it's ip or hostname and the port the wingate is running on. Normally the port is 23 or 1080. Now we can only use wingates which don't require a username and password to use. So after we get a list of them we will need to test and see which work without a login. Simply get out telnet and connect to that ip and port, wait for the connection and see if it says something like this: Wingate> If it had a login of some sort then you cannot use it. This is one way admins of wingates can protect themselves, make sure to password protect the wingate so random hackers cannot use it. Not only can hackers use your wingate, but spammers often use them as well. Having spammers send thousands of emails through your wingate is a surefire way to get your isp to cancel your account. Besides adding passwords you can also secure your wingate by only allowing computers on your LAN to access it, this is how for GateKeeper [ http://www.infopulse.net/store/index.html ] login as Administrator on GateKeeper Policies -> Default Policies -> Users can access services -> select everyone Location -> Specify locations from where this recipient has rights -> add 127.0.0.1 and 192.168.0.* (or whatever ip range your network uses). To secure Deerfield's wingate [ http://wingate.deerfield.com ] simply upgrade to 3.x home version. The home version of 3.x doesn't let anyone connect at default. It's now configured securely by default :D There are also other terminal's that will appear, it is not allways "Wingate>". It could be anything, Wingate> is just default on some. We got connected, now to use the wingate. Wingates by default will telnet to any ip port you enter, so try to telnet to a server you know is up: Wingate> 204.42.253.18:23 Now if you encounter an error this means somethingÆs either wrong with the ip:port you entered, the ip:port is down, or the wingate is not working. Also try to do 'telnet ip:port' since that wingate might not telnet at default. So we got our list of wingates down to a list of working, none passworded wingate. Now to link them. Lets say we have the wingates (note, these are fake): 203.43.25.104 port 23 214.133.200.20 port 1080 180.23.56.93 port 23 194.51.107.68 port 23 To link these we would telnet into the first one: telnet 203.43.25.104 23 Sparky's server 1.03> Then enter in the ip:port of the next one on the list. Sparky's server 1.03> 214.133.200.20 1080 CDD Proxy Server> and link the rest.. CDD Proxy Server> 180.23.56.93 23 welcome to 180.23.56.93: 194.51.107.68 23 Now A hacker can telnet into a shell account from the last wingate and launch the attack, or if they know how to do some socket programming they can set up exploits to go through wingates themselves. For the next section , shells, I'll go over how a hacker can use a shell to make his attack. I have heard from a few people that routers can be used as a wingate, I myself have never done this since there is always plenty of wingates to use if you just scan for them. But.. using a router as a wingate is very interesting for a number of reasons. First, a router gets so much traffic that the admin would probably not know if it was being used to bounce an attack. Routers don't log by default, and since they get a lot of traffic not many admins log everything (or they're logs do not last too long) this means there is less of a chance of the hacker getting tracked down. Routers are pretty much always up and have a fast connection, so if you got a few routers going as wingates you wouldn't have to scan for new ones as much =) Now don't go out looking for routers just yet, before you can use a router as a wingate you need to have access to use telnet on it. Unlike wingates which can sometimes allow anyone to run telnet, routers don't. You will need to hack into the router to be able to use telnet on it to wingate from it. Of course the number of routers with default passwords (admin:admin) or simple exploits not patched is pretty high from my experience. Also to note: it might not be a good idea to telnet directly into a router as your first wingate.. if the admin does find out of your break in (and they log) you will have left your real ip. Hackers will probably use a regular wingate or two before connecting to a compromised router. Needless to say, if you admin a router make sure to keep it locked up tight, not only can hackers screw up your network, sniff passwords, redirect data, and generally cause a muck, but they can also use your router as a launching pad for their next attack. Another use for wingates is to use them to bounce a connection off of irc. Most commonly SOCKS (stands for SOCK-et-S), are used for irc, they are very simular to wingates but used mainly at a firewall to allow transparent connections through it. SOCKS usually run on port 1080. To bounce your connection to an IRC server with a wingate or SOCKS type the following in your irc client: /server win.gate.com 23 /quote irc.box.sk 6667 /quote user grendelsucks 123.123.123.123 b0iler :ban evader /quote nick b0iler2 Then use irc like normal, you will have the ip or hostname of the wingate. I believe if you use mirc you can go to File -> Options -> Connect -> Firewall and then enter in the wingate's IP and port and checking "Use SOCKS Firewall" (correct me if I am wrong). If you use Xchat try Settings -> Setup -> IRC -> Proxy Server -> Fill in IP and port and select the type as wingate. You can also use a bnc (stands for BouNCe) to rely your connection to an IRC server. Same as with proxies, if you don't want people connecting to your wingate set up a strict access list on a firewall. Also username and passwords are a good idea when it comes to wingates. -Shell Accounts- A shell account is having access to a remote computer. Users can connect to them and issue commands just like if they were at that computer's keyboard. This also means that hackers can issue commands, and they often use shell accounts as another way to bounce their attack. Usually a shell account is used along with wingates and is used by the hacker to launch the attack. Hackers will not use free shells such as nether.net or hobbiton.org because they do not have the ability to run programs they need and they cannot delete the log files with a regular user account. If they were to use one of these shells the admin could easily check the logs and see what they were upto. So hackers will use what are known as root shells, these are systems the hacker has already comprised and has root on them. This allows them to delete all necessary logs of their attack and lets them have full access to *nix tools. The key tools hackers need are raw packet support, nmap and other auditing programs, a c compiler, a perl interpreter, and exploits. These come standard on most *nix boxes, so it makes *nix very valuable to hackers. Although most will have *nix installed on their computer they might still use shells because they have faster connections, and will allow another layer of protection along with the wingates. This is an example of how a hacker would use 3 wingates with 2 shells (wg = wingate): [hacker] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [shell] -> [shell] -> [target] To login to the shells a hacker can use telnet or they can use ssh [ http://www.openssh.org ], whichever they want. ssh will allow a more secure connection. A simple: telnet owned.com:5742 would allow them to get in (if they set up telnetd on port 5742). To connect with ssh is: ssh owned.com -p 5742. If your system would get comprised it too could be used as a shell for the hackers next attack. There are free shell accounts for beginner hackers to use, again, I stress that these are closely monitored and you only get a user account, so things are logged and power is limited. Don't use them to hack! What a hacker wants is a 'rootshell' which is root access. This allows the hacker total control over everything on that computer. Please don't ever, ever, ever ask anyone for a root shell, and don't ask "which free shell is the best" - because all free shells pretty much stink. Raw sockets is a big thing, access to edit logs is another. If you can edit the logs on a rootshell this means that it is all the more harder for anyone to track you. If you use a free shell or a user account on a box you cannot edit the logs and will be vulnerable to be traced. Always using a lot of wingates will help in keeping you out of trouble. Most shells you will want are on *nix boxes, so you need to learn unix commands. Also knowing what files do what will help you understand how to hide yourself and how to modify the system the way you want. Setting up linux and securing your box will help you better understand how to break in, as well as breaking into linux will help you better understand how to secure it =) To help you learn *nix here is a few really good tutorials: * http://unixhelp.ed.ac.uk - A very easy and detailed step by step guide to getting started with Unix, with examples, solution to problems, and some cool facts. * http://www.mines.utah.edu/~wmgg/ - A short and sweet Unix tutorial to help with the basic commands. * http://www.belgarath.demon.co.uk/guide/ - A very nice guide that takes things slow and uses helpful pictures to explain things. * http://www.linuxnewbie.org - A very helpful stop for anyone new to linux, it has many helpful files. * And of course the best one of all: man <command> How can you stop hackers from using your system? Well this is a very in-depth question, because you will need to completely secure your box to stop them from gaining access to it. Read up on Unix security, firewalls, and IDS. Of course take action before the hacker gets in, secure your box... use tripwire and snort 'just incase'. One way to catch them is to install a remote logging box. This will allow you to have logs of everything they do, to do this set up any old box with inetd and syslogd and then change syslog's configuration file to have logs sent to that box. # /etc/syslog.conf file *.* @213.165.52.61 For more info on setting up a secure remote logger try loki's guide on How to set up a secure remote logger - [ http://www.linuxsecurity.com/feature_stories/remote_logserver-1.html ] One thing I would like to stress about using shells from a friends box is that they may be logging everything you do and gathering your username:passwords to your email, hacked accounts, sites, ftp, nickserv, and anything else you transfer. Same holds true for BNCs and wingates. It's a trick passed around by many hackers to put a wingate on their box and put it on a hacker website's list and wait for people to log into their hacked accounts with it. I also read somewhere that governments set up wingates to catch hackers, I don't know how true this is.. but it sure is a good way to discourage hackers. -Conclusion- In this paper of Hacking Techniques I went over how and why hackers use proxies, wingates, and shells when attacking and how admins can stop them from using their networks to bounce attacks from. I think the next issue will be much longer, it will cover many things hackers do once they comprize a system. I hope everyone learned atleast something from this issue, and I hope I didn't forget anything =) I am sorry if you felt it was hard to read this tutorial, I had a hard time writing it, it just felt like my words didn't go together right. It may be awhile till I get around to finishing issue #3, thanks for your patients. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. 6. Sylvester Briddell, JR , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS 1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. 2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. 3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. 4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons." AND THE WINNER.... PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents." b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 8:. - [ how to pick up chicks ] [sbc] :. ] [http://www.seductionbootcamp.com] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ "We're gonna teach you how to pull bitches." S0 YOU WANT TO PICK UP HOES. You ain't interested in romance. You don't want a girlfriend. You want girlfriends. You want a little black book full of names of females that won't hesitate to come over at 2:30 in the morning and break you off something PROPER. Sure you could pick up any buckled beer whore at the local club, but you want better than that. You want a lifestyle full of hot bitches, wild nights, and the occasional menage a trois. You want to be a player. But you're afraid of rejection. You're afraid she's gonna dog you. Or worse, laugh at you. And so you never have the balls to approach a good looking lady. And so you never get laid. Except occasionally with Rosie Palmer and her five friends. What's the problem? You're the problem. Your self-esteem sucks and you've got no confidence. Maybe at one time you had some confidence. But now it's gone. Confidence was what gave you game, but you picked yourself apart a long time ago worrying about all the faults women found in you. That's one of your problems right there. You worry too much about what women think of you. Well, don't. They're JUST HOES. (From this point on "hoes" will be used to make all references to the female gender.) Why should you care what some basket-case ho thinks?. . .Once you've realized this you'll have started to build up confidence. And now that you've started to build up confidence, you no longer need to worry about what hoes think of you. See the relation? It's what you think of yourself that determines whether you're a roach or a player. If you make yourself believe that you can get any ho to skin down, then guess what - you can get any ho to skin down. Player's Rule # 1: Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. To make the reading and understanding of our book easy to use, it's been broken down into the following sections: *Lyrics to use in a bar or nightclub to get laid. *Scams to get laid. *Hustling older hoes to get laid. At a bar or nightclub, or even just at the shopping mall, it all starts with eye contact. Fierce eye contact ignites an emotional state similar to fear. It's like staring a fool down from another set. It fucks with his head. Same thing works on bitches. So strong, almost threatening eye contact with a ho is the first step in making her want to get with you. Strong eye contact also shows power. If you don't look away after she first sees that you peepin', it shows her that you're confident. After a few seconds of strong eye contact though, be ready for her to look away. This doesn't mean she's not attracted to you. Subconsciously, hoes have been raised to be submissive to men. After looking away, if the ho glances back again within under a minute, you can count on her more than likely being game. Player's Rule # 2: If you stare long enough, you'll see right through a ho. Your next step then would be to smile and give her a slight nod, letting her know that you know what sheÆs thinking deep down. If you follow this simple little pattern, your next step is to make your approach. And right now she doesn't expect anything less. You've got her quivering in her bar stool. From the high level of confidence you've already demonstrated by locking eyes with her, smiling, and then nodding your head, she wouldn't be surprised if you were to push people out of the way to get to her. And at this point that would probably only turn her on more. But does she want to skin down? It's true. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Your opening line needs to be delivered clearly and confidently and should relate to the ho or the present situation. This early on, your first words and how they're said are important because this is all the ho has to measure you up on. And if you can manage it, the less clever your opening the better. You can hit her up with a compliment. Tell the bitch you like her necklace. There's probably ten things you could compliment her on if you look and think hard enough. For the most part, using lines is a thing of the past, but they can still be used if you say them with the correct level of humor. A classic: "What's a ho like you doing in a place like this?" From the present: "Damn...Girl." "How you doin'?" Some hoes are turned off by lines, though. Which brings us to. . Player's Rule # 3: Weed out the hoes that fuck from the hoes that don't fuck. This is an important point to take into consideration. It helps you realize that even though you're this smooth, cool, confident fellow now, you're still going to experience the occasional rejection. It's like working the streets. Any hood knows that he may only have a ten percent buying market for his product. This means that he has to pitch a hundred prospective buyers to get ten that actually buy. That's ninety rejections! He's successful though because this is what he expects. So if you ever get a drink dumped over your head, just remember PlayerÆs Rule # 3 and take it in stride. PlayerÆs Rule # 4: Ten will getcha two. Every time. Talk to ten hoes and youÆll get two that are game. Get ten phone numbers and two will eventually pay off. When picking up hoes, you've got to be careful to mix up your lyrics from time to time because hoes each have their own personalities. (Or so they think.) Using different lyrics will also make you sound more sincere. And it's good to develop your own style. Your own style will set you apart from the other players who are on the same mission as you. Contrary to popular belief, talking with a ho you've never met is actually pretty easy. As long as you follow two simple rules: Let her do most of the talkingùthis is accomplished by picking up on key words or phrases that she uses and then throwing them back at her in an effort to keep conversation going. Let her tell you about herself. Hoes love to think that the world revolves around them. She'll feel like a star. And the more you get her to talk about herself, the more you'll make her feel like a star. (But you know otherwise.) Keep her eyes locked on yoursùof course you do this by locking your eyes on hers. The moment she starts to lose interest in you her eyes will drift off to other things. If this happens it probably means that she's getting bored with the conversation - maybe you took the spotlight from her and began telling her too much about your days as a thug. Move quick to get her interest back. Either shift the conversation to reflect one or more of the key words or phrases you've picked up on that she's been using, or move on to another step. Like ask her to dance or offer to buy her a drink. Except you don't ask her to dance or you don't offer her a drink. You're a player with a lot of confidence. You take her by the hand and lead her to the dance floor. You buy two drinks and place one in front of her. (This is also an excellent opening move.) She'll feel obligated to drink it. And if you get her to drink two of more, she'll feel obligated to skin down later. Some hoes are worth skinning down with more than once. If you happen to find one of these "special" hoes, be sure to record her phone number, as well as where she works. Where she works is important to know because this reveals a little bit about her personality. To get far in the game, it's important to know which direction a ho's coming from. There's two basic personality typesù"Easy" hoes, and "Not-so-easy" hoes. If she's an Easy ho, then all she needs is a couple of drinks and she'll be on your knob. But if she's a Not-so-easy ho, then it's going to take a few maneuvers. Let's say for example that you meet a really classy ho one evening, but no matter how many lines you throw at her, you only manage to get her phone number. So now what? Do you call her back the next day, panting like a puppy dog, and ask her for a date? Hell, no. You're a player. Give her the impression that she's nothing special to you. Wait a few days before you call her back. Here's an act you can put on when you call: When she answers the phone, purposely ask for a different ho. When she says you've got the wrong number, ask her what number you just dialed. She'll tell you her number and then you say something like, "I'm sorry, I meant (the hoes name)." Immediately follow this with, "I don't know what I was thinking. Your phone number's like one digit off of. . .(it's important to pause here for a second or two before finishing). . .my sister's." Because you paused, she'll know that you're lying. But that's cool, though. That's what you want. In sales they call it "fear-of-loss." It's psychological. When you fear-of-loss a customer, it helps make him or her feel a need for the product. The same goes for hoes. If you tease them, it's makes them want a piece of you. This tactic can also be used if all you have is the hoeÆs pager number. Page her, and then when she calls back, act like you think itÆs some other ho by calling her a different name. For example, letÆs say you page a girl named Lucy. When Lucy calls back and asks if someone paged, say, "WhatÆs up Angela? DonÆt you get enough? Quit calling me." Of course Lucy will say, "This is Lucy, not Angela." You see, it's key to make hoes believe that you've got game. Some hoes are turned off by this, however. But that's no big deal. Remember Players Rule # 3? You're weeding out the ones that skin down from the ones that don't. * Editor's note: The piece that is about to follow was almost left out. We realized that there would be some ho out there who would read it and figure out that she'd been had. (Actually there's more than one ho out there.) We argued long and hard over this. Finally we gave in. We'd promised that if you read our book and took our tips into practice you'd more than likely start getting bitches. So, against better judgment, here it is. . . Lights, Camera, Action! Scams are part of the game. If you're going to be a major player, then you need to be able to pull a major act. Just like an actor. But instead of under the cameras and bright lights, the local bar or nightclub is your movie set. (Or anywhere else you're putting on game.) And on your set you're the scriptwriter, director, and producer. You're a fucking pimp. So whatever role you choose play it like one. Player's Rule # 5: Fake it ætill you make it. Scenario: You're at a bar seated with a ho you've just met. You're dressed flashy. The drinks you ordered just arrived. You reach into your pocket and pull out your wallet, "accidentally" dropping a couple of business cards on the table which the ho you're seated with, out of curiosity, grabs and reads. The business card states that you're an Assistant Movie Producer. The address reads Hollywood, California. If she falls for this, which more than likely she will because this is a rare scam, YOU ARE GETTING LAID. Have a good pitch, know a little bit about camera angles, and mention names like "Rod Steele" whom you "do some work with." "He's unknown up here," you can tell her, "but down in L.A. he's popular for his work." With this approach you represent fame, excitement, and the glamour lifestyle. This is the shit hoes dream about. But be careful. After five successful nights of using this act on five different hoes in five different clubs, one of us ran into a ho who actually was in the movie industry. A couple of questions and he was revealed as a fake. Player's Rule # 6: Roll with the punches. If your coverÆs been blown, roll with the punches. Smile big and then tell the ho that not only is she gorgeous, but that she's also incredibly intelligent. Act impressed. Tell her that you don't see that very often. Then follow up by saying that's a rare quality in bitches. If you use your imagination, you'll discover that there's a million scams you can pull over on a ho. Sure the first couple scams you try might not go to smooth, but hey, practice makes perfect. And don't feel bad. This is good for both of you. You get your rocks off on the ho and the ho gets her rocks off the next day bragging to all her friends about the assistant movie producer (or whatever role you played) that she skinned down with. So chalk it up as a one-nighter and she'll never know. Because most hoes don't travel in packs any smaller than two, some scams are better pulled when you have a friend in on the action. It's like a tag-team. If everything goes right you'll both get laid. Here's a good scam to pull using a friend: Scenario: You're posing as a couple of journalists for a popular magazine. With a couple backpacks and some expensive camera equipment the two of you rented earlier that day, you march into a bar and take a table to yourselves as far away from the action as possible. You ignore everyone. You place the cameras on the table and whip out a couple of notebooks. These are your props. (And you'll eventually discover that they're your conversation pieces.) Compare notes for a while. Lean in close to each other. You're ignoring everyone. Your work is important and this is what the two of you are discussing. You're ignoring everyone. But everyone is not ignoring you. Hoes all over the bar noticed when you marched in with your equipment, noticed that you took a table far away from the action, noticed that neither of you even glanced at another ho. Noticed that you look important. They can see that you aren't here to pick up one of them. The two of you have become the main event. All the hoes are casting looks at one another as they share the same thoughtùI better make a move quick before one of these other hoes does. And with every minute that goes by that the two of you remain unapproached by a ho, the better. Because the heat is rising. With their eyes these bitches are challenging each other. They're tigresses on the huntùthere's fifty of them and only one meal. And that's you. And as the evening progresses, be secure knowing that when a couple hoes finally do come up to your table, they'll already be dripping wet. Getting them to skin down will be easier than slammin' down a domino. Players Rule # 7: Get in and get out! These are probably lifeÆs greatest words to live by. You should take this to mean that if things are going good, get out while the gettin's good. If youÆre winning big at the craps tables, get up and cash out. If youÆre holding up a bank and youÆve emptied three cash tills, donÆt stick around to empty the last two. GET OUT WITH YO' MONEY! And when you swoop down on a ho whoÆs boyfriend just stepped away for a moment, Get in and get out! DonÆt hesitate. Get her phone number and go back to your business. It might go something like this: A smooth hustler, Mikey, sees this fly ho, but sheÆs got a date. Mikey hangs tight, sipping his drink, scoping the scene, waiting to make his move. And then it happens. The hoÆs date steps away for a momentùmaybe to buy a drink. It donÆt matter. MikeyÆs in like a shark. ôHey, yo, baby girl,ö says Mikey. ôWhere do we know each other?ö Translation: ôYou look familiar. Have we met before?ö Says the ho, ôI donÆt think so.ö ôMy boys call me Mikey, and you girl?ö Translation: ôIÆm Mikey. WhatÆs your name?ö The ho says, ôIÆm Kiley.ö ôYo, Kiley, what makes you so sly?ö Translation: ôTell me a little about yourself.ö Mikey lets her talk for a few moments but then cuts in before her date can return. He says, ôI saw you got a friend tonight, so IÆd hate to keep you out. WhatÆs your number?ö He jots down her phone number and then boogies. Get in and get out! "I certainly think that it is better to be impetuous than cautious, for fortune is a woman, and it is necessary, if you wish to master her, to conquer her by force; and it can be seen that she lets herself be overcome by the bold rather than by those who proceed coldly. And therefore, like a woman, she is always a friend to the young, because they are less cautious, fiercer, and master her with greater audacity." - Niccolo Machiavelli, 1469 - 1527 "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a mother fuckinÆ hustler." - Snoop D.D., 1993 Your Best Friend's Mom With older hoes it's pretty basic. Here's two really easy steps to follow: 1. Compliment her every time you see her. Older bitches are attracted to young niggas who give off the persona that they will develop into major "players" when they're older. The ability to give compliments reflects this. It shows your confidence. Also keep in mind that a lot of hoes fantasize about being seduced by a young nigga, because the nigga's in his prime. Even married hoes. So your goal with these compliments is to not come across as niceùitÆs to come across as manipulative. This is where you become a hustler in their eyes. And all hoes subconsciously have an inner need to be hustled. Believe that. 2. In a humorous fashion, feed a ho this line: "When I'm 25 (assuming that you, the reader, is younger, of course), and make it big, will you marry me?" She may see you now as a "big thinker" who's going to be a success in life. It doesn't matter what age they are, hoes are attracted to success. You may now represent to her an "interesting affair." In any of your flirting, if she ever says "I'm too old for you" or, "You're too young," you can say, "You just need a little youth in you." Or, "YouÆre wrong, girl. YouÆre like an exotic wine. You taste better with age." (ItÆs important to call her "girl." When you do you immediately take control of the situation.) Some older hoes would rather seduce a young brother into an affair. In this case, it would be the older ho who would instigate things. To make the situation arise, the proper conditions need to exist. Think back to Players Rule # 5. Fake it ætill you make it. Whenever you're around her, act like you're uncomfortable. Let her catch you gazing at her body. Immediately whip your eyes away. She's attracted to your shyness. To give her the impression that she's aroused you and made you uncomfortable, rub your hand across the back of your neck, then, for greater effect, rub your hand around your shirt collar (classic move). Now she knows that youÆre getting hard. And this turns her on. "Ho, Ho, Hoes!" - Santa Claus, 1999 So There You Have It As you've found out by reading our book, there really isn't much to being a player. And there really isn't much to picking up hoes. It all boils down to confidence. And when it comes to confidence, there's no magic formulaùyou're as confident as you think you are. Here's a point to think about: TheyÆre all the same. What's this mean? YouÆve seen one ho, youÆve seen them all. Hoes play games. Hoes in Miami pull the same shit as hoes in Detroit. Hoes in D.C. pull the same shit as hoes in L.A. And thatÆs why itÆs so easy to be a player. Because you already know what theyÆre all about. So in all your travels and in all your conquests, we at MP3-Orgy.com wish you the best. Oh, yeah. . . One more thing worth mentioning that's guaranteed to get you laid. . . Scenario: You're parked out in front of a nightclub. It's a few minutes before it closes for the night and drunken hoes are beginning to stagger out in groups of two's and three's. You're wearing a jacket that has your name stitched into the fabric above the breast pocket and you're also carrying a small clipboard. You look professional, like you have a job to do. You get out of your car and march into the club. You take a second or two to scope out the scene. Hoes are everywhere. Most of them look like they've had too much to drink. You laugh to yourself. This is almost like taking candy from a little brotha. With one hand, you shake your car keys high above your head and shout, "SOMEONE CALL A TAXI?" the end http://www.seductionbootcamp.com b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! __ ,TOT TOOT TOOOOOT!!! [8,]___ #$% $%$ [______]_/ #$"$b4b0#!#%FK#"$#%% b0g)=-(oooooo) \ #$%PHRACK$$%%& &29a/%#$# b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 9:. - [ how to create a hax0rmobile ] [tak] :. ] [tak@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ So, you just relized you can run faster than your car, and you are pissed off at people making fun of how slow it is. If you cannot have speed, you can sure as hell have looks. What we are going for is complete and utter fear when rolling up to an intersection. Steps to making a hax0r car: Go to the dollar store and buy some white 'car markers' then write 1's and 0's all over your car. Next you should go to the Salvation Army or something and pick up a few old 386's for $2. Take all of them apart so you got mad parts. Now pull your hubcaps off and ductape your 4 motherboards on. Now you are rolling on some 22" motherboards. Take the ductape, and tape like 2 random cards together, some old ISA ones. Now put this contraption over your rear view window, instead of something non hax0rish like DICE, you have network cards and modems. Get some glue, a big market, and alot of paper, its time to make some bumpter stickers. You should write some cool stuff on the papers, anything you want! Some suggestions are: b0g!@#! ph33r m3 1 r 31337 sup unix? Type* x-7r3m3 h4x0rZ r4c1nG *PING PING* Those are just the ones i have. Just glue the paper anywhere on your car you want. Now you need a cool display, like their elite software in the fast & the furious, so if you got another 386, use that. You will need to remove your passenger side seat to fir your 1980's huge ass monitor, cause who the fucks got money for an LCD display. After you mount your monitor, you need to determine what OS you wanna run. This is hte hard part, because if you wanna be l33t and run unix, you need to be able to draw. You are going to have to make a "This car is powered by XXXX" sticker, and draw the accompanied logo. If you can draw a Pneguin, or Daemon, go for it, but its alot easier to put "This car is powered by:" and have a big arrow going to your window. Speaking of windows, if you are real elite, you should remove, or smash all yours out, then put up signs that say "fuX0r w1nd0z!" around the old windows. If you get questioned by the local authorities about this, just tell them that u dont wanna crash, so you dont use windows. If they are elite they will get it. Take the CPU fans from the 386's and mount them to your hood, they will look like "uber turbo engine fans" like you gotta keep the shit cool with max airflow for uber horsepower. Thats about it for basic suggestions, there are however some more complex things if you have time and money. These include adding a defense system to your car [missiles&paintball] with a nice LCD screen and pretty GTK interface! Something else thats pretty hax0rly is too put a mirror on your bumper with a sticker that says root@ and then a # rm -rf/ one after...so it says: root@[mirror]# rm -rf / They will fear because it will be their license plate # and shit. Another sign i have on my car is one in the rear window, it says: "If you can read this, i just 0wn3d j00, or im going real slow on a 1 lane street, and you cant pass me, you fag. Or if your a cop have a good day" <-- that shit gets me mad hoes. Anyways, i need to upgrade the cpu's on my tires, have fun hax0ring the information superhighway in your new ride. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! the following is taken from an actual muder trial attorney: "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" coroner : "No," attorney: "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" coroner : "No." attorney: "Did you check for breathing?" coroner : "No." attorney: "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" coroner : "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere." b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 10:. - [ hax0ring your registry ] [monkey zee] :. ] [monkey_zee@hotmail.com] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ #Include <disclaimer.h> /*If you can't make backups you can't edit the Registry*/ Introduction This guide is intended to give you enough information to become sufficiently interested in Registry editing and also enough so you can actually do what you want - it is suggested however that you do further reading and also if you really want total control over your Operating System (OS) you really want an Open Source OS (Micro$oft don't currently do this) that way if you want to alter something you can do it at the source. If you had already written your own OS at the age of 6 this guide is not for you (unless you want to see how stupid people live). This guide is written with the Windows 98 Registry in mind, much of it Applies to NT, ME AND 2000 though. None applies to the 3.1 Registry which is has a completely different structure and use. I have used the default directories etc. where possible, if your Windows is not installed in C:\Windows then change the instructions accordingly. Finally I must agree that a lot of Registry editing is pointless if you can find a key in The Registry which alters some trait of a program then chances are you'll also find the option within one of the program's menus, but this is not always the case once when I was trying to play a music CD the program skipped to the next track after playing 20 seconds of each track, finally I found a key called "Preview" in the section with all my CD player's option it had a value of "1" which I changed to "0" and after that it was all OK, I have subsequently looked for a way to have manually done this but I can't find one (although I'm now a little curious to find out how it got turned on in the 1st place). Just be safe in the knowledge that the worst that can happen is that you Will need to reinstall Windows. Sections: ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I. How to make sure that whatever you do in The Registry can be fixed ----------------------------------------------------------------------- II. How to use RegEdit.exe ----------------------------------------------------------------------- III. Explanation of how programs use The Registry ----------------------------------------------------------------------- IV. M$Internet Explorer title hack ----------------------------------------------------------------------- V. Example Registry edits ----------------------------------------------------------------------- VI. How to create your own Registry edits ----------------------------------------------------------------------- VI. Suggested further reading ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= I. How to make sure that whatever you do in The Registry can be fixed: ======================================================================= ========================================= The best way of backing up your Registry: ----------------------------------------- Save "user.dat" and "system.dat" in the Windows directory under different names (I suggest "user.zee" and "system.zee" that way if you forget what they are called you can always refer back to this text). DON'T FORGET - make a backup each time you alter The Registry since each time you install a piece of hardware or software The Registry is changed (in fact some programs store values in The Registry about the position of its window on the screen so it is the same size next time you start the program). Also, as a rule, it is best to only change one thing at a time (when possible).This means that if something goes wrong you can identify what it is more easily - if you've changed 7 things in 40 minutes it's really annoying to have to go back to the previous settings and have to do it again. (Yes this is something I've learnt from experience) ======================= How to use the backups: ----------------------- 1.If Windows loads but you have an undesired effect then you can open Windows Explorer and rename your backups to "user.dat" and "system.dat" (you may need to change "folder settings" in Windows Explorer so you can see all file types) then reboot. 2.If on the other hand Windows cannot start and the system hangs then reboot and after ScanDisk runs you will get a menu asking what you want to do (because it has been detected that Windows did not successfully load). If you want you can try running in safe mode but chances are this will not load either instead choose to stay in DOS. If you've never used DOS before this can be quite scary. In DOS you will most likely be presented with a black screen with white letters "C:\>" (there are ways of changing this) if you called the files "user.zee" and "system.zee" then type each of these lines followed by the enter key attrib C:\Windows\user.dat -r attrib C:\Windows\system.dat -r /*strips files of "readonly"ness */ ren C:\Windows\user.zee C:\Windows\user.dat /*renames*/ ren C:\Windows\system.zee C:\Windows\system.dat (Alternatively you could make a batch file and do it all in one go, to do this just copy/paste the relevant lines and save the file as Zee.bat then all you need to do from DOS is type Zee to run it. Don't include the bits between the /*s, it won't work if you do.) 3.If you can do neither of these two things (e.g. your backup is corrupted) then reboot the computer when you see "Starting Windows {whatever your Windows is}", push the "F8" key a menu should come up Choose "Safe mode command Prompt only" from the menu. You will be presented with a black screen with white letters "C:\>". Change to your Windows directory (type cd\Windows) and type "RegEdit /e savereg.reg" It will say "exporting file". eventually it will stop with an error message. After this, type "attrib system.dat -r -s -h". Then type "ren system.dat system.old". Finally type "RegEdit /c savereg.reg". These commands will pull only the undamaged sections from your old Registry and Make a new one based on these. If it fails, reinstall Windows. If it works, some Of your programs may no longer function, they will need to be reinstalled. If none of this appeals to you (I.E. - you are scared of DOS) then don't Even bother reading the rest of this file, editing The Registry is pretty stupid without backups (unless if you are completely sure what you're doing is right). If you don't have the technical ability to backup your Registry you WILL screw up Windows big time so just don't bother. Quite simply editing without having a backup is plain stupid so BACKUP! ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= II. How to use RegEdit.exe ======================================================================= To start The Registry editor (RegEdit) type RegEdit.exe in the run box or Open Windows Explorer and type C:\Windows\RegEdit.exe in the address bar then press enter (whilst you've got Explorer open you may want to drag the icon onto The Windows pop-up start menu or desktop and create yourself a shortcut for Future use) It's got a lovely icon (a friend of mine likes it so much he made a model one out of sugar cubes). You should be presented with a vaguely familiar interface, it looks a lot like Windows Explorer. Everyone I speak to says you should never even acknowledge The Registry exists - doing so will only bring bad karma to your system, well they don't say that but they do say that one false move will leave you with a totally broke OS if you're lucky and a house razed to the ground if you're not! This is not further from the truth - click on the + next to [HKEY_CURRENT_USER] then in the left pane right click in an empty space choose a New entry (any type but I'm choosing DWORD) call it ScrewUp then edit it so it has a value of 1. Now click the X button at the top right of RegEdit to close it, note that RegEdit does not ask if you want to save changes - Micro$oft obviously think that anyone using RegEdit doesn't deserve the user friendliness they put in their other programs (e.g. Word "Are you SURE you're sure ?")Now shutdown your computer - restart it and note that nothing happened even though you've altered The Registry, if any of your friends told you using RegEdit was dangerous now is the time to phone them and tell them they are stupid. OK you've lost all your friends but at least you've got more time to Registry edit now, so fire up RegEdit again. First we'll get rid off that stupid entry we just made, so click on the plus next to [HKEY_CURRENT_USER] again and highlight ScrewUp (click on it once) then press delete (on your keyboard) to delete it. As you've already seen to create a new value right click in an empty space and choose New then new options will appear choose one of the lower three , have a go at all the stuff but don't edit any of the entries already there. Here is your first useful Registry edit and a chance for you to try out your skills (only in deleting though - more advanced stuff in later sections I promise) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson One: Edit the uninstall list: Sometimes programs don't remove all traces of themselves when you uninstall them or you can't uninstall them properly because a file has become corrupt or whatever. This is really annoying and untidy and editing The Registry is the only way to take them out of the Add/Remove programs list (without buying some expensive program that just automates the process anyways). 1.Again open RegEdit from "Run" by typing "RegEdit.exe" in the box. 2.Click on "HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINES" 3.Now click on "Software" then "Microsoft", "Current Version" and finally "Uninstall" 4.Each entry in the right window corresponds to an application 5.Highlight the entries you no longer need and press delete (on your keyboard) As you can see it's actually not that difficult and when you've got a backup there's absolutely nothing to worry about. ------------------------Here endeth the lesson----------------------------- ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= III. Explanation of how programs use The Registry ======================================================================= Programs look to The Registry for all sorts of things. Most of the Preferences that you choose in programs (look in HKEY_CURRENT_USER\ControlPanel\desktop to see what kind of stuff is stored) are stored in The Registry. These Registry keys are usually created when the program is installed. It is used as an alternative to .INI files which were used in previous versions of Windows (although kept for backward compatibility). Basically it is just a way of storing values of importance, such as whether options are turned on or off, so they can be retrieved later especially on subsequent runnings of the program (I.E. possibly after the computer has been re-booted and any settings stored in memory would be lost) It is quite simple to write programs in Visual BASIC (VB) which alter/ Lookup values in The Registry. A short example of how this can be done is included below, remember that many programs designed for use in Windows are developed using VB (hence similar appearances - menus, maximise/minimise/X buttons etc.) a commercial program would be a compiled version so even if you use a hex editor the .executable would look nothing like this : ------------------------------RegUse.VB------------------------------------- Set WshShell = WScript.CreateObject("WScript.Shell") WshShell.RegWrite ("HKCU\MyNewKey\", 1 ,"REG_DWORD") WshShell.RegWrite ("HKCU\MyNewKey\MyValue", "Hello world!") WScript.Echo WshShell.RegRead("HKCU\MyNewKey\MyValue") WScript.Echo WshShell.RegRead("HKCU\MyNewKey\") WshShell.RegDelete "HKCU\MyNewKey\MyValue" WshShell.RegDelete "HKCU\MyNewKey\" ----------------------Here endeth the VB script--------------------------- NOTES: HKCU is an abbreviation of HKEY_CURRENT_USERS, the first line loads the WshShell object since it is not called automatically upon script execution (probably to save memory). Here are the VB processes (and their general syntax) that I have so far come across, they are all used in the above example: To delete a portion of The Registry use RegDelete Syntax: WshShell.RegDelete strName To read a portion of The Registry use RegRead Syntax: WshShell.RegRead(strName) To write a new entry into The Registry use RegWrite Syntax: WshShell.RegWrite strName, varValue [,strType] However Micro$oft applications aren't the only languages around that can use The Registry. This Perl Script can extract data from the HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE key, it could then be operated on and added back into The Registry but the below is just an example. -----------------------------------regedit.pl------------------------------ #! c:\perl\bin\perl.exeuse Win32::Registry; $p = "SOFTWARE\\Microsoft\\Windows \\CurrentVersion"; $main::HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE->Open($p, $CurrVer) || die "Open: $!\n"; $CurrVer->GetValues(\%vals); foreach $k (keys %vals) { $key = $vals{$k}; print "$$key[0] = $$key[2]\n"; } -------------------------here endeth the Perl Script------------------------ When you create or alter a value in The Registry you alter the information passed to a program (when you create a value this usually means that there is a default value stored in the program which it uses if there is no Registry value) that is why when you created a new entry called ScrewUp it didn't do anything - however if some Micro$oft programmer had decided to add a routine that crashes the computer which runs if an entry with the value of 1 is found then we would have had to revert to backups. ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= IV. M$Internet Explorer title hack ======================================================================= This is something many people want to, maybe because it is so easy a lot of people do it and others see it and want to do it as well (this is the kind of thing corporate types think makes their company look more professional - like having the company name/logo spinning round *really* fast as a screensaver). Chances are you will have seen this, at the top of Micro$oft Internet Explorer (M$IE). In the title bar there are 2 things, the title of the site (specified in the HTML, Java etc.) and the words "Microsoft Internet Explorer" (separated by a hyphen). However if you got your M$IE off an ISP CD it might say "<Title of site> - MSIE provided by <ISP name>". It is quite simple to change this, start RegEdit and search for whatever text they have added and you should find the string in no time. If you want to spoil it here's the exact procedure : ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Click to [HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Main] Edit "Window Title" to whatever you want (size permitting) ----------------------Here endeth the procedure------------------------ Now there is nothing difficult about finding out this kind of hack (per se). It is on the Micro$oft Knowledge Base(MSKB) - sort of (Article ID: Q176497 If you're interested) the article begins by talking about changing the tile with the <TITLE></TITLE> HTML tags (I actually thought I had the wrong article at first) and then goes on to say : "the window title can be customized by Internet content providers (ICPs), Internet service providers (ISPs), or corporate administrators by using Microsoft Internet Explorer Administration Kit (IEAK)." which sounds interesting (but probably quite expensive) I don't think Micro$oft like you doing this but the article includes some brilliant and crazy pieces of not very helpful advice such as: "This section describes how to add or remove a custom Internet Explorer window title by manually editing The Registry. To do this, use the appropriate method." They also don't tell you the whole truth they only tell you about editing the value in [HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\Main] which as they admit: "Customizing the Internet Explorer window title adds "provided by <your custom title>" to the default Internet Explorer window title as follows: Page title - Microsoft Internet Explorer provided by Custom title" this isn't strictly lying only withholding information - but it is very sneaky by telling us about this little hack and not telling us about the other (which they obviously know about since they coded the damn thing) they imply that there is no other hack. Now would be a good time to call up Micro$oft and tell them what you think of them (only if you've registered the software though !) This is an example of the program having a default value programmed into it because if you remove The Registry entry the title reverts back. ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= V. Example Registry edits ======================================================================= This is the probably the most fun section. If you are totally lame this will be the only section you read. If you are cool then this will show you what the Registry can do and hopefully give you an idea of what you want to do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Change the name of the recycling bin In RegEdit press "F3" (in the row at the top of the keyboard) or choose search from the menu and search for "Recycle Bin" there should be 3 occurrences, you need to change each one to get it to work. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Delete a directory which Windows Explorer won't let you delete Basically search for the name of the directory (by pressing F3) in RegEdit when you find it you can either delete it or rename it and this will become the directory the program saves its files to (My Documents is an example of this - it the default saving directory for Office). ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Removing Desktop Icons Go to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINES\Software\Microsoft\WindowsCurrentVersion\Explorer\De sktop\NameSpace, the keys in the right Windows have very long names but just select them to see what they are and delete the ones you don't want. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remove the shortcut arrows In HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\Inkfile there's a value called IsShortcut delete it then go to HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT\Pif and do the same. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Add new sound effect events In the key HKEY_CURRENT_USER\AppEvents\Schemes\Apps add a new key (right click on a blank area of the window) called the filename of whatever application you want the effect to be used with (e.g. Windows explore is "Explorer.exe"). Then within that key add new keys named with the events you want the sound effects to be attached to (e.g. "Open" and "Close"). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Instant start menu access Go to HKEY_CURENT_USER\ControlPanel\Desktop make a New StringValue (right click to open menu) named MenuShowDelay and give it a value of 1. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Change the name that your PC is registered in Just double click on RegisteredOwner in HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\ Windows\CurrentVersion and change it to your own details. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get rid of the network neighbourhood icon Go all the way through to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsodt\Windows\Current Vesrsion\Policies\Explorer right click in the right window select New DWORDValue from the popup menu and call it NoNetHood, double click on it to change its value to 1 - if at some later stage you want it back change the value to 0 or delete it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DVD-ROM region coding Chances are you DVD region is set to a specific value but you want to take advantage of your currencies excellent exchange rate with another country but they are in different region to you - change the region of your DVD-drive HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion look for DVD_Region on the right hand side and change its value so you can watch films that only cost you 3.50 + packing (yay!) - may not work on all drives --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Change log-on message Click to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\WindowsCurentVersion\Winlogon and add two keys "LegalNoticeCaption" (the title of the box) and "LegalNoticeText" (the text in the box) - the text displayed can be added by changing their values (double clicking). ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= VI. How to create your own Registry edits ======================================================================= Hopefully you have some idea from the above examples of what kind of things you can do, and you should have performed all the skills you need (e.g. creating word, changing values, searching etc.) at least once. The hardest hacks are when you create new strings because you have to guess what they would be called (since these programs are really high profile they follow patterns especially the Micro$oft ones). Easier hacks are the ones where you would have had to revert to backups. When editing existing entries they always follow these rules, a value of 1 is usually means "true" or "yes" and 0 is conversely "false" or "no" (this comes from Boolean values in many programming languages) - however it is possible for a programmer to screw up and these values to be reversed, also 1 and 0 are 1 and 0 in any numbering system (binary, denary , hex etc. - no-one has as yet designed a system based solely on zeros). If you wanted to know every possible Registry entry a program could be influenced by you would need to see the source code (not very likely) so just stick to editing values in already present strings. Here is full list of default trees you should find within all Registries and the types of values they contain: HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT: Contains software settings about drag-and-drop operations, handles shortcut information, and other user interface information. There is a subkey here for every file association that has been defined. HKEY_CURRENT_USER: Contains information regarding the currently logged-on user. AppEvents: Settings for assigned sounds to play for system and applications sound events. Control Panel: Control Panel settings, similar to those defined in System.ini, Win.ini and Control.ini in Windows 3.xx. InstallLocationsMRU: Contains the paths for the Startup folder programs. Keyboard layout: Specifies current keyboard layout. Network: Network connection information. RemoteAccess: Current log-on location information, if using Dial-Up Networking. Software: Software configuration settings for the currently logged-on user. HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE: Contains information about the hardware and software settings that are generic to all users of this particular computer. Config: Configuration information/settings. Enum: Hardware device information/settings. Hardware: Serial communication port(s) information/settings. Network: Information about network(s) the user is currently logged on to. Security: Network security settings. Software: Software specific information/settings. System: System startup and device driver information and operating system settings. HKEY_USERS: Contains information about desktop and user settings for each user that logs onto the same Windows 95 system. Each user will have a subkey under this heading. If there is only one user, the subkey is "default" HKEY_CURRENT_CONFIG: Contains information about the current hardware configuration, pointing to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE. HKEY_DYN_DATA: Contains dynamic information about the plug-and-play devices installed on the system. The data here changes if devices are added or removed on-the-fly. When you've done some really cool stuff you might want to try making a Registry patch. A Registry patch is a simple text file with the .REG extension that contains one or more keys or values. If you double-click on a .REG file, the patch is applied to The Registry. This is a good way to share or back up small portions of The Registry for use on your own computer, or someone else's, because it's much simpler and less dangerous than manually editing The Registry. You can create a Registry patch by opening The Registry Editor, selecting a branch, and choosing Export from the File menu. Then, specify a filename, and press OK. You can then view The Registry patch file by opening it in Notepad (right-click on it and select Edit). Again, just double-click on a Registry patch file (or use Import in The Registry Editor's File menu) to apply it to The Registry (this is the one time RegEdit will be user friendly - it will ask you to confirm the merge of the file into The Registry, however there are reg patches out there that disable this function :->). A reg patch will look something like this --------------------------------------------------------------------------- REGEDIT4 ; This is a comment and is not read by the machine you can add them so ; people reading it can find out what the patch does before they merge it ; You can lie and put some backdoor in someone's system if you don't like ; them, but if they have an ounce of sense they will understand the patch ; ; The REGEDIT4 part means this is a win9x Registry file [HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Winlogon] "LegalNoticeCaption"="How Are You Gentlemen" "LegalNoticeText"="All your base are belong to us" -----------------------Here endeth the reg patch--------------------------- And hopefully this example will go some way to explaining how they work and you will be able to write them straight off: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- REGEDIT4 [HKEY_...\PATH\IN\REGISTRY\TREE\TO\KEY1] "NameOfKey1Value1"=dword:xxxxxxxx (Hexadecimal) [HKEY_...\PATH\IN\REGISTRY\TREE\TO\KEY2] "NameOfKey2Value1"="blahblah" (String value, text) "NameOfKey2Value2"=hex:ff,00,20,1c...(Hexadecimal Bytes) "NameOfKey2Value3"=dword:xxxxxxxx (Hexadecimal) -----------------------Here endeth the example reg patch------------------- ======================================================================= ======================================================================= ======================================================================= VI. Suggested further reading ======================================================================= The books listed underneath are listed in order of (my) preference, the URLs included have reviews on them by people who have bought the book (or so we're lead to believe): TITLE: Windows 98 Registry Handbook AUTHOR: Jerry Honeycutt ISBN: 0789719479 RRP: £18.49 AMAZON.CO.UK URL:http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0789719479/qid%3D100 0113094/202-2693477-6800652 TITLE: Windows 98: Registry Little Black Book AUTHOR: Holden ISBN: 1576102947 RRP: £24.49 AMAZON.CO.UK URL:http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1576102947/qid%3D100 0113170/202-2693477-6800652 TITLE: Inside the Windows 98 Registry AUTHOR: Gunter Born ISBN: 1572318244 RRP: £40.00 AMAZON.CO.UK URL:http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/ 1572318244/toc/202-2693477-6800652 Obviously as a supplement to these a search engine will come up with lots of interesting results (I checked Google - http:\\www.google.com - and got absolutely hundreds of interesting pages), the authors of these pages have invariably read the books suggested above and written their own pages which are basically the same thing in their own words with their own particular expertise thrown in for good measure. Hence these can be used as a supplement to the knowledge you have gained from reading the books\ your own registry experiences or they can work as an alternative (for those of us who have better things to spend are money on !) ========================================================================== Well that's about it now if you do something really cool or want some help then send me an e-mail (Monkey_Zee@hotmail.com) Questions/comments/constructive criticism to Monkey_Zee@hotmail - I'm really interested to find out any other languages which give you uncomplicated access to The Registry, you can also find out about any new Registry edit I've done or possibly get my views if your having trouble with something you're trying to do. If I get any requests to do articles more in-depth about particular aspects that are only slightly explored in this one I will try to comply. Flames to /dev/null (that includes mail about Registry editing not being 'hacking' - I know already) This text was finished as you see on 11 Sep 2001, but if you find it Floating around in 2005 and you feel like sending me an e-mail about it then please do. This file is not copyrighted in any way, if you do want to pretend you wrote it make sure you change the name/ e-mail address, if you put any sort of copyright on it then you are extremely lame. Any additions are welcome but I would also like to hear from you if you think you have some additional information I'd be interested in. EOF b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! / \ \ / \ | | \ | | | `. | | : ` | | \| | \ | / / \\\ --__ \\ : \ \/ _--~~ ~--__| \ | \ \_-~ ~-_\ | \_ \ _.--------.______\| | \ \______// _ ___ _ (_(__> \ | \ . C ___) ______ (_(____> | / /\ | C ____)/ \ (_____> |_/ / /\| C_____) | (___> / \ | ( _C_____)\______/ // _/ / \ | \ |__ \\_________// (__/ | | \ \____) `---- --' | | \_ ___\ /_ _/ | | / | | \ | | | / \ \ | | / / | | \ | | / / \__/\___/ | | | / / | | | | | | | | | | b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [11:. - [ Re Re: How To Mack Da Bitchez ] [xhaze] :. ] [xhaze@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ "xhaze man, im not getting any chicks, the last chick that touched me was this 13yr old girl at school who beat me up and stole my lunch money :`(, i need help on macking them f00s," gl0bal explained. "I really need help!" As eye listened to gl0bal i felt pity 4 him and replied "HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!$!@" After about three days of laughing and tormenting gl0bal eye contacted him again with good news, "Sure man i'll help you get some hoes, infact heaps of b0ggers are a lot like j00, pathetic, sad, and seks0rless," i told him to make him feel better, "I will write a multiple step program on how to get them hoes, and fuck them tew!" gl0bal gleefully said "Oh thank you uber, elite one, im not worthy of your seksyness and/or ways of life, how can i ever repay you?!" "Just get out of my sight." I replied while flicking my wrist in the direction of the door and i continued getting hand fed by 4 exotic seksi bitchez. Seeing I am a max gangseks/leperseks/honkhonkseks h4x0r, I am going to shed light on all of you sadassmofo's. Here is my multiple step program on picking up chicks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+ |T|H|E| |P|R|O|G|R|A|M| |I|T|S|E|L|F| +-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Welcome to my 31337[-31329] Program for 'Macking Them Bitchez' STEP ONE: The Unthinkable First we need to delete all of our pr0n collection. This is so your futile balls, can for once, carry their intended amount of semen. Seeing most of you milk yourself dry every few hours :((( >XD :D :o :) :( |\ .'`~. |\ .~~. |\ . . |\ |\ |» `. |» `. |» . |» `. |» 9:00am 10:30am 1:05pm 3:30pm 8:28pm Wake up After Breakfast After Lunch During S-Club7 Before The 830 TV Program Movie Hint0.1: If you cannot bring yourself to deleting your pr0n, put it on CD-R/W and hide them &/OR give them to a mate to hold onto while your on my 31337[-31329] step program. STEP TWO: The Self-Secure Find a mirror somewhere and look into it. Now tell yourself daily, "Eye am a pjearless xhaze follower and eye can mack the hotteyze..strait serve!!!" Take off your clothes and look at your body... See how your right arm is much muscular than your left arm, this is one of the reasons why we have STEP ONE. Also note that your pathetic flaccid penith curves right.. also why we have STEP ONE. .d88 88b. 8888 d88P" 88b. 8888' d88P _ "Y88b ______ 8888 888 _| |_ Y88b |______| 8888 888 |_ _| 888 ______ 8888 Y88b |_| 888 |______| 8888 Y88bb. .dd88Y .ú8888D. Y88888b .d8888Y ú8888D `'UY8 'Y8YU'` 'e88b BOOMER-WANG + COUNTER-WANK = SUPER PENITH Hint0.2: If you want to (bare in mind that you will be 6 months behind) you can get your pr0n back however you 'disposed' of it, and if you really did dispose of it, you lame fuck, download more. I can never emphasize this enough...WANK WITH j00R LEFT ARM EACH AND EVERYTYME for 6 MONTHS (▒ 4 months depending on your wanking schedule.) This will even up your arm sizes, and hopefully counter-wank your penith back to straightness. STEP THREE: THE HOE-DIGERTY-HO-DOWN Goto a social gathering...that has the opposite seks there!!! I know what you were thinking....and no, not this weeks LAN, but a place where you consume alcohol &/OR drugs, like the only LAN i've been to...but NOT A LAN! hey SKULL SKULL NALA BABE seksi j00 by yourself \ \ .V after one drink :D (: [: :) (: :o/ `'''`'''o: |-o /I »| \»`»/| | »| __:o.. L 4 | / \ | | _| | ``'... DANCE!! SKULL Hint0.3: Helpful place suggestions:- 1) The Pub - Where all the maynegy butch bitches hang and drink more beer that j00. 2) A School - For people like odin, but for gods sake don't make a 'mistake' like him as you cannot complete this program inside jail. 3) Town - Exactly that...town, you get all kinds here. Hint0.70WN: Best place is sitting outside a surf/skate/snow shop, as all the foxee gurleez are the s/s/s chixxx 4) Nightclub - Where all the hot beetcheez dance in sk1mpee clothes. Hint0.C1U8: For advanced users only, as if you are a newbie/#!/pr0gram kiddie, you will not be able to keep you vital full load..full.. 5) Party - This is where a large group of friends get together to socialize to load music. Well heard-about parties work like a triangle scam. bigger chance for you to pick upp0r a chick0r. STEP FOUR: CONTACT Engage verbal contact with the ch1x0r. DO'S: Tell her how hawt and seksy she is. Compliment her. Mention the name 'xhaze' somewhere as she'll be sure to know me. [Only use if talking to ++HAWT++ATH00>CHICK] complement her b0g dot org DONT'S: Tell her she looks like a porn star that youÆve wanked over. Talk about your oc129 rootshell's, or anything computer related. Just stare at her tits. Don't fondle yourself. For satan's sake don't fondle yourself. STEP FI5E R.I.P: TAKE ME AWAY!@ If she shows interest, invite her back to j00r uber bachelor pad. You can tell she's interested if... 1) She plays with her hair. 2) Asks you for a farq. (Usually only asked once you hab mentioned 'xhaze') 3) Actually talks to you for longer than 5 minutes. 4) She starts fondling herself. Once baque to j00r max-pad, take her into j00r FLATMATES rooms...not yours$!@ as the empty coke bottles and chip packets that are covering the floor, won't turn her on that much. Instead j0UR flatmat, who should be MUCH k00-er than you, will hab a solid room. Which will suit her needs more than your room. ___________________________ | | | * = Wank Rags |D | <<=your computer desk | (From 6 Months Ago) | . | | | |]|O * ** | @ = Stereo speakers |[] | * ** * | |___|*** **** | |.';., ** * | |.`.';:. ** * | |.`.;':~ | |`';.' <=spare computer parts |_______****** | | | <= ur single bed | »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» YOUR PATHETIC ROM __________________________________ |()()_()() @@ @| | <= huge stereo!! |()__|__()<= love seetee @|______| | | | | | .&. | | fur mat => »|»»»|» |»»| <= fire | |»»»»»»»| 4 love in | | |__| place | | king | front of | | | | | size | fire place /»»»\ | | | bed | | | |_______| @| |@|_______|@ @@@| »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» YOUR FLATMATES LOVE SHACK Hint0.55: Put on some maqqing muzik. Hint0.551: Do not put on your uber k00 mates Snapcase(Victory Records OwnIJ), Kottonmouth Kings (SUB.NOIZE) or Fear Factory. Hint0.5MAC: Play that barry white that's sitting 'the drawer' or even S.O.A.D seeing its almost fucking mainstream :( STEP SIX-6-SIX: THE SEQSING PART Just replicate the copious amounts of 0!!!!!_XxX_HARDCORE-DiVX.AVI porn your've watched and your home free. If this max 8aY8e is a FREAK then this is where STEP ONE comes into play. Before withdrawing your week++ deposit of < \/ |\/| pull out your penith from her love c/anal and bl0w it all over her fayceORbrearstsORst0mache. Your mega-saved-up-load will almost drown her, and also impress her!!!! STEP SE7EN: THE MOURNING AFTER If she was a bad /r00t then here are a few pointers on av0id4nCE... OPTIONS 1) Seeing it's your flatmates room, sneeq out and back to j00r room. She'll think itwas your flatmate that did the blashsphemous and no-matter what he tells her, she'll think he's a 'rotten lying pig' h0h0. Hint0.r00m: Werx best if she was drunk the night before, which she most likely was if _YOU_ g0t tew fuqq'er. 2) Pretend j00r dead. 3) Tell her your ghey and re-enforce that statement by putting a broom up j00r ass 4) Beat her till she's unconscious and take her to a womans refuge with a note stuk to her saying "My boyfriend beats me daily because eye gib bad head" If you cannot av0id her, then reveal the _REAL_YOU_ and show her your computer ridden room and how much of a _LOSER_YOU_ARE_. For the extremely rare cases where she is tew find out if she ICQ/MSN/IRC/ETC and P4QU37 HER ASS...again ;) STEP EYTE: TRIPLE R Last step is simple.... >>>>>REPEAT >>>>>>>ROOT and >>>>>>>>RUN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ |F|E|Q|U|E|N|T|L|Y| |A|S|K|E|D| |Q|U|E|S|T|I|O|N|S| +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Question: So once I drown the bitch in my cum.. she complains about the taste what should I do? Answer: Easy. If you drink lots of beer, cum tastes like beer, if you smoke heaps of weed, cum tastes like weed. From this i assume if you eat enough of anything your cum will have a slight taste of that object ...ask her what she likes.......hopefully she is bisexual and replies "pussy!" Question: Ok, I had my penis removed by an africian tribe voodoo doctor.. What should I fondle? Answer: In this case you are doomed and may eye recommend STEP-3 HINT0.3:#2... jail is good for ppl like you who cannot give, only receive... :( Question: When I approach a group of these "girls" at a party.. how can I tell if they are "girls"? Answer: Well they'll look REALLY young and like be 3 feet tall. For more information contact odin@b0g.org?subject=XkiddiE Question: I would like to have sex with 50 different chicks at once.. now I got the chicks to my apt.. but they don't all fit in the bedroom at once, what should I do? Answer: Backyard, Backyard, Backyard. Plus you dont hab to clean up all the mess[TIMES FIDDY!!!] Question: I am thinking about paying a poor mexician to aid me in satisfying all the chicks I am getting using your methods.. how much is a fair price to pay him? Answer: <xhaze> To that question i will reply....FUCK HIM.....ring up me and b0iler and we do it for free <b0iler> speak for yourself.. I charge $14 an hour <b0iler> a hour* or is it an hour? <xhaze> $14ph h0h0 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ |A|d|v|i|c|e| |O|n| |M|a|c|k|i|n|g| +-+-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In this section eye have asked some real big mackers from #b0g who are absolutley eleet and also totally random phreaks from fucking freak channels. __________________ --------------------------------|LEET0H PPLZ ADVICE|---------------------------- »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» <defproc> don't kill their families, they tend not to like you then :( especially if you end up eating them. >8D~ <n30n> Go up to the hott chick and ask for her hand. Draw a line across it and explain that its a really big river, and there is a bunny on one side of the river that reall needs to get to the other side. Now ask her how he can cross the river. Give cute little answers as to why the bunny can't cross the river (ie...bunny jump in river, bunny go *glubglubglub*.) When the chick finaly asks how the bunny gets to the otherside, give her cute puppy dog eyes and say "I don't know, I just wanted to hold your hand." <b0iler> bring the girls to me. <xhaze> bored: what advice would you give to young men trying to have sex with girls? <bored> my dog is having an epileptic attack <xhaze> ok.. thanks for your help <xhaze> someone give me advice for how to seduce a girl into having sex with me. <k-rad-bob> lol@xhaze <xhaze> someone give me advice for how to seduce a girl into having sex with me. <flamey> xhaze: take her out to a restaurant, afta go back to urs, sip on sum wine, stroke her cheek with ur hand, then kiss her and it leads on <xhaze> no.. I mean like what drugs should I give her? <avin> r0x0r their b0x0rz <xhaze> what does that mean? <avin> I don't know.. I am jewish. <camo> I AM DICK KWAN!#$ DICK KWAN!!!!! ________________________________________________ -----------------|TOTALLY RANDOM MOFOS ADVICE FROM RANDOM CHANNELS|------------- »»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»»» *** Now talking in #dogsex <eks-club7> got any advice for macking dogs? <LF_Coyote> sure, get naked, bend over, and they will mack you, eks <LF_Coyote> dogs, especially male dogs... are like most males, they wont turn down sex <LF_Coyote> eks-club7, feel free to ask questions & chat about sex with canines [At this point eye left as i knew i'd be aroused.] *** Now talking in #gaynetmeeting <eks-club7> got any advice on macking hoes? <M_4_c2c> on cam u mean? <eks-club7> fuck off y0. <M_4_c2c> just do not be shy and just start talking to a guy <eks-club7> eerrrrrr *** Now talking in #toiletsex <eks-club7> im wondering if i can get advice on macing a hoe into recieving a golden shower <Phiddler> for pee play it's often a good idea to start in the shower. when you're sharing a shower, just suggest that you don't need to leave the shower to pee <Phiddler> if she's happy with the very mild play, just peeing in each other's presence, then you can work up to the more interesting games <eks-club7> like what sort of games can i play? submerge? golden submarine? <Phiddler> I mean games in a very general sense, a golden shower is a pee game that you're interested in *** Now talking in #snuffsex <eks-club7> eye would liek to introduce my bitch into snuff sex, i need some advice on the perfect snuff. <carol123> well i'd wish you to snuff me after kinky rough sex <eks-club7> would you let me slice you up? <carol123> yes <eks-club7> let me thrust my cock in your nose? <carol123> yes <eks-club7> would you try and snuff me if you were her? <carol123> im a slave <eks-club7> what type of death would you like? describe your perfect snuff <carol123> hanged naked in woods <eks-club7> while i lick out your cunt thats dripping in blood from your 12cm deep stab wound on your stomach? <carol123> yes please, maybe we can meet, i live in europe. <eks-club7> sorry whore, im in nz <carol123> :( *** Now talking in #teens <xhaze> what should I do to get a girl interested in playing with my penis? <Sapper> lol <Sapper> Turn gay <xhaze> how will that help? <Sapper> It wont, but you seem to have some problems getting them to beinterested, so just gogay, its better for you that way <xhaze> I doubt having a cock up my anus will help get girls to play with my penis *** You have been kicked off #teens by Couch (Banned for Swearing!!!) *** Now talking in #e-commerce <xhaze> anyone run a sex shop site that sell pumps with overnight delivery? <xhaze> I want over 5 inches by friday <tty> stick it in a trouser press <xhaze> that will work? <tty> no, but it will teach you a lesson. *** Now talking in #christians <xhaze> sex *** mode/#christians [+b *!s?k?-?e?@210-54-198-42.d??l?p.?tra.?o.?z] by NAZO *** You have been kicked off #christians by NAZO (bad word detected) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- +-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ |S|O|L|I|D| |C|O|N|C|L|U|S|I|O|N| +-+-+-+-+-+ +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- b0g > girl + good seks0r > * .: j(00) - W4NK = 100% 100% + "<3" = ==D ==D + (|) = b0g++ Q.E.D b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! From: ecarolperry@aol.com To: k-rad-bob@b0g.org Subject: Help Date: 9. september 2001 05:44 I know this is probably minor stuff to you, but my former "boyfriend" has been getting my mail and into my computer files...I think he is doing it from his own computer at his house..He doesn't have access to my computer..He says he is "coming in the back door" ..of my computer to do it. He also said that I could change my password everyday and he could still get in. I know that he reads my mail, etc. because he has read it to me verbatim. He is no genius, and I am not totally stupid..so can you give me your best guess as to how he is doing this? Can I ever get any of my internet, computer privacy back? What do I have to do? I have a firewall, etc. It doesn't seem to help! Help! Carol P. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [12:. - [ ninja-lessons in php ] [tak] :. ] [tak@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Hi, this is a thing we are going to be doing. It's my attempt at teaching PHP to all you. I am no expert, however our TRESS is. I am going to start at the basics. This is not advanced, or even for people who got a clue. This is starting out at nothing and stuff. First thing, you gotta have php installed. I hate when people try to run php without php. Whoa. Php isnt like HTML, HTML IS TEXT sent to your browser that your browser takes and makes pretty. Php is the server side stuff that makes the calls. A few examples of this could be a bulletin board, a counter, or even a news manager ;) Once you have php installed[php.net] you can start the shit. First thing is first, all your php code should be inside php tags. These tags let the webserver execute the code before sending out data. These tags are by default "<?php" and "?>" you can optionally use <? ?> tags and also ASP style tags if they are configured in your php configuration. Ok got it? Now with the stuff that you might want. I have noticed that working with existing code is the easiest way to learn. Also writing the code all over again as opposed to copy + pasting is makes it stick better...It's harder but works. Well as i write this, and watch tv i know its gonna suck and be a failure but whatever you can go fuck a horse, im a ninja. Lets set some shit strait, strings contain a value. $string = "data"; makes $string contain the word 'data' GET IT? so now you could make a script like <?php $string = "data"; echo $string; ?> that will ECHO $string wich is 'data' so your web browser will display that elite 4 letter word. Now alot of people ask about shit like: http://www.domain.tld/index.php?string=data&string2=data2 That is just like saying: $string = "data"; $string2 = "data2"; you can pile them up as much as you want, just seperate them with &'s, next example will be http://www.blah.tld/index.php?string=hello&string2=world <?php echo $string . $string2; ?> that will as you guesses[i sure fucking hope] hello world A . combines strings so just figure it out. Uhm im watching a show about some child whos got like 50 parents cause of sperm mismatches and shit. SO uhm lets try to learn something new. include and require. Include will include another script, file or whatever...it is just like taking the file you have, cutting it in half where the include statement is, and puts the included file in. This means all variables, and everything set before the include will be effective in the included file, and all variables from the file will be included in the rest of the script. This example will include a file...thats all 1.php: <?php $file2 = $file1; ?> index.php: <?php $file1 = "whoa"; include("1.php"); echo $file2; ?> As you see, $file2 doesnt exist in that script but uhh it does in the other thats included, and it will pass as 'whoa' cause $file1 is 'whoa' and $file2 = $file1 so uh yeah you get it. if, time for if. IF will execute commands and stuff if things match up in the statement. ie: <? $status = "tak"; if(isset($status)) { echo "uh yeah its tak"; ) ?> see if it is tak, it does whats in the {}'s, you can also have an else, or elseif. elseif acts just like if, but after the initial if. Else is when everything else fails, do this shit in there. BTW, isset($string) checks to see if $string contains a value, if it doesnt it will go to else. So lets look at a couple bigger examples dealing with redirecting include if thingys! you ever see like http://www.b0g.org/index.php?sec=pr0n or something like that? well lets show you how. Well that is the example type thing, but first ill show you something else <?php if(isset($sec)) { include($sec); }else{ echo "You dont have a sec, so this is index.php without stuff"; } ?> That will basically check to see if $sec exists, if it does it will include it, if it doesnt it will echo that other crap. This isnt too safe, cause php doesnt use virtual directories... / is not DocumentRoot, it is your hard drive root. So if someone was to index.php?sec=/etc/passwd things might get a bit tricky, but you get the idea. Now lets look at something a little better and more complex. For each of these examples, you need a php script or HTML page containing the data you want. And another thing, .php scripts can contain HTML aslong as its not in php tags. This leads to another thing, you can be in the middle of PHP and break out of it and throw in HTML. Here is our next example: <?php // This is index.php if($sec == "pr0n") { include("pr0n/setuptheporn.php"); } elseif($sec == "images") { include("images/images.php"); } elseif($sec == "mp3") { include("mp3/mp3.php"); } elseif($sec == "logs") { include("logs/logs.php"); } else { ?> <HTML><HEAD><TITLE>b0g</TITLE></HEAD><BODY> WHATS UP IT SEEMS YOU DIDNT HIT SHIT, SO UHH YEAH, CHECK IT OUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE OUR MAD PRON, GO TO: http://www.b0g.org/index.php?sec=pr0n and pr0n/pr0n.php will be displayed for you now im gona thor php back up and finish my else tag, so wham. <?php } // END OF THE REDIRECT STUFF ?> That should be easy enough cause its laid out like that. The scripts checks to see i $sec is equal to "pr0n" if it is, the script includes pr0n/pr0n.php. It did the same for all of those, and if in the end $sec didnt match up, or was null, it would display the default stuff for the index page in an HTML breakout, then it picked up the end. You may ned to put an exit(0); after the includes to end the current script if you have anything AFTER the else, or it will include the page, then do whatever is down below. That script puts your HTML right in the script, you may want to include it to be more organized or whatever. IT also puts the default HTML for no sec, and also any sec that doesnt match. You may want to display an error if they try something sneaky. Try this. <?php if(isset($sec)) { // This is the stuff we display if they have a ?sec=something if($sec == "pr0n") { include("pr0n/setuptheporn.php"); } elseif($sec == "images") { include("images/images.php"); } elseif($sec == "mp3") { include("mp3/mp3.php"); } elseif($sec == "logs") { include("logs/logs.php"); } else { echo "We do not have a section named $sec, please try again."; } // That is the end, now we will show the index page // because no $sec was even attempted }else{ include("index2.php"); } ?> The next thing is require. Require acts just like include, but require will stop the whole thing if it cant be done, it is requires shit works out or stuff gets screwed. This is good for things like including mandentory scripts or something...include will not halt the program, it will just pass over. Uhh i did so much writing and nothing got done but yeah. Check out php.net and like plebian.com for max script by the tressmaster. *STATIC* OVER AND OUT *STATIC* b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! > Hello, I am Eliza. * Hello Eliza, I have been having problems "performing" in the bedroom. > How long have you been having problems "performing" in the bedroom? * ever since I was 8 and my babysitter stuck a banana up my anus. > What does that suggest to you? * That he liked fresh fruit? b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [13:. - [ fun stuff for the office worker ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [k-rad-bob@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." OFFICE LANGUAGE It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me! TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares? TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass. TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die. TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF Another fucking meeting! TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit. TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick. TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch. TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing. Thank You, Human Resources In case you were thinking of a job promotion... get familiar with staff descriptions first! STAFF DESCRIPTIONS: Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office. Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit. Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone. Average Employee..............................Not too bright. Exceptionally Well Qualified....Made no major blunders yet. Work is First Priority..............Too ugly to get a date. Active Socially...............................Drinks a lot. Family is Active Socially...............Spouse drinks, too. Independent Worker...........Nobody knows what he/she does. Quick Thinking....................Offers plausible excuses. Careful Thinker......................Won't make a decision. Agressive........................................Obnoxious. Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs....Gets someone else to do it. Expresses Themselves Well...................Speaks English. Meticulous Attention to Detail................A nit picker. Has Leadership Qualities.......Is tall or has a loud voice. Exceptionally Good Judgement.........................Lucky. Keen Sense of Humor............Knows a lot of dirty jokes. Career Minded.................................Back stabber. Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! o O .oOOo. .oOOo. o o O O O O o o oOo .oOo. OoOo. .oO .oO `OoOo. 'OoOo. .oOoO' o O .oOo. 'OoOo. O o o o o o o o O O o O o O o o O o O o O O O O O o o O o O o O O o oOoO' O o `OooO' `OooO' o o O `OoO'o `oO o' `OoO' o O O o' b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [14:. - [ how to stop masturbating ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [k-rad-bob@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so. This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once. But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you. After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines: A Guide to Self-Control: 1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. 2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company. 3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. 4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. 5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. 6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak. 7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mid. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. 8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the Brethern [sic, Cistern too?]. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. 9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect [sic] on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it. We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us. Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress. It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme. It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive, and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to man to fulfill eternal purposes. It therefore separates a person from God and defeats the gospel plan. This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect testimony becomes weak, and missionary work and other Church callings become burdensome, offerins. To help in planning an effective program to overcome the problem a brieation is given of how the reproductive organs in a young man function. The testes in your body are continually producing hundreds of millions of reproductive cells call _spermatozoa_. These are moved up a tube called the _vas deferens_ to a place called the _ampulla_ where they are mixed with fluids from two membranous pouches called _seminal vesicles_ and the _prostate gland_. The resultant fluid is calleeminal vesicles are full a signa to the _central nervous system_ indicating they are ready to benother, depending on such thingsexercise, state of health, etc. everal times a week, for others It is normal for the vesicles to be emptied occasionally at night durise the emptying come from the cetral nervous system. Often an erotic dream is experienced at the same time, and is a part of this normal process. nstead ourse, the reproductive system is operating at a more rapid pace, trying to keep up with the loss of semen. When he stops the habit, the body will continue to produce ahis increased rate, for an indefese are not harmful and are to be endured until the normal central nervous system pathway of rel During this period of control several things can be done to make the pr As one meets with his Priesthood Leader, a program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of t Remember it is essential that a regur report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated. Suggestions: 1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out lout when the temptations are the strongest. 2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing. 3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell _STOP_ to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge. 4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be open to temptation. 5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations. 6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents. 7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ by Dale Carnegie. 8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc. 9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have _no black days_. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. 10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities. 11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. 12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers. 13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. 14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. 15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. 16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. 17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement. 18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases. 19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. 20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. 21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. _Satan Never Gives Up_. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! .o8 .oooo. "888 d8P'`Y8b 888oooo. 888 888 .oooooooo .ooooo. oooo d8b .oooooooo d88' `88b 888 888 888' `88b d88' `88b `888""8P 888' `88b 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 `88b d88' `88bod8P' .o. 888 888 888 `88bod8P' `Y8bod8P' `Y8bd8P' `8oooooo. Y8P `Y8bod8P' d888b `8oooooo. d" YD d" YD "Y88888P' "Y88888P' b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [15:. - [ Ugly Chick's Guide To Getting A Man ] [begezze] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Ok, begezze's guide for ugly chicks to get guys. This should be simple, I am a guy and have had my fair share of ugly chicks. Many of these methods have not been tested .. but they would work on me, so I am pretty sure they would work for most guys. There are a few factors that will change the outcome of this. If you are very, very fat you will only be able to give head, guys don't like screwing fat chicks. If you are very unpopular some guys will not even talk to you, this is because they are idiots and judge people on that crap. If you have alot of friends and talk to them and spread rumors this is a BAD THING. I'd much rather screw an ugly chick with no friends who isn't going to tell anyone about it than the town gossip telling everyone exactly what happened. A guy will pretty much screw anything if they know that no one else will ever hear about it. With these things in mind here are some ways even the ugliest of girls can have a chance of scoring with an average guy. Do things guys like. Drink beer, watch sports, listen to the same kind of music as them, know computers, talk about sex, and just hang out. A girl who drinks beer is awesome in my eyes, I don't know why they are.. but they are. Also, if you drink you can tell the guy you want "hey, I got some beer over at my house, lets go drink it." If you think this won't work, you are wrong. Guys will go after any free beer possible. Girls get free beer all the time, so it's no big deal to them, but if a guy gets free beer he's gonna go after it! Also, when a guy is drunk he will screw anything.. anything. Don't get the guy too drunk though, they won't be able to get hard and they will just sit there semi-passed out (not fun for you). Just keep talking about sex and talking about sex and how you like to have sex and that you think he is sexy and you'd like feel his cock. Girls don't like it when you say "let me see your cooter", but a guy will let you see his cock if you flash him or if you play a game with him. Try playing this little game, it's called "nerves". What you do is you try to make the other person nervous, when they are they lose. So you like slowly feel his chest and go down to his belt then slowly undo it. You keep playing until you don't have a shirt and he is feeling your boobs, or until you have his dick out and hard. Just be a fucking slut. Guys don't care when they are drunk or alone, sit on his lap, tell him you love sex, tell him that your parents are gone for the night. Change into your night outfit.. dont' be in jeans or anything like that. Or another sure thing is dance with him. After 2 songs of grinding he'll want you for sure. Now if the one night stand thing doesn't work out you can try to slowly get him to like you. This is more complicated and pretty much depends on luck. Where as the other one is totally guaranteed. But as I said earlier be into the same things he is. I once hated a girl and thought she was annoying. Then she came and talked to me about a band I liked and said that she just installed linux and needed some help. After like a week of talking to her about stuff I liked I thought she was cool. Of course she wasn't bad looking, but even if she was I would have got with her just because she was so cool and she said anytime I wanted a blow job I could have one. This is key, give out blow jobs. No matter how ugly you are if you give blow jobs like a crazied druggy you'll get the guy you want.. no matter how ugly you are. Also another technique that seems to work is to let him see you all the time for like a week, then stay away from him for awhile (2 weeks). He will think about you and when you think of things in the past they are always better than they really were. Also he will probably be like "I could be fucking her right now.. damnit, why didn't I do it when I had the chance." So like the next time you see him you could get him no problem. JUST BE SLUTTY WITH HIM. So in conclusion, even the ugliest chicks can get a guy by doing the following: beer alone at your house, liking the same things he does, be interested in him, don't be into silly girl things like cheerleading or your nails, don't be stuck up, have cool hair, be fucking crazy (but not a psycho), don't be slow and romantic and kissy kissy, and the number one thing: BE VERY SLUTTY WITH HIM!!! Hope some girl is getting some from the man of her dreams because of this article. (note: the guy might not want to sleep with you more than once.. don't be a bitch and freak out and cry or anything) If you want to be a girlfriend to this guy.. be nice all the time, don't cry over everything, cook good food, give lots of back rubs, give lots of blow jobs, and read b0g!!@#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! 33 ways to be annoying 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies. 2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others. 5. Sing along at the opera. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think" 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 12. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room. 13. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 14. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 15. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. 17. Honk and wave to strangers. 18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 19. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 20. type only in lowercase. 21. don t use any punctuation either 22. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 25. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait-I messed it up," and repeat. 26. Ask people what gender they are. 27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 28. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 29. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 31. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 32. Tell your friends 4 days prior that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood 33. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send things like this. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [16:. - [ how to phone in a pizza order ] [pizzaman] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two- bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one-inch pizza. 87. Order term life insurance. 88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 92. Engage in some serious swapping. 93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 97. Order a steamed pizza. 98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! From: Marius von Stickes <vansaar@hotmail.com> To: h4x0r@online.no <h4x0r@online.no> Subject: b0g11 article 4 u by Stick How to make a simple vibrator you will need: 1xN64 controller 1xrumble pack 1xN64 game system 1xGolden eye game cartrige Instructions Put the Golden eye game cartridge into the n64, plug in the controler, and put the rumble pack in the bottom of the controller. Turn on the n64, and pick any folder of save games in golden eye. Select multiplayer, and game type is the one with RCP 90s in it. Get one and put lots and lots of ammo in it. Put the central part of the controller into your pussy/ass, and hold the trigger. The shooting should make the controller shake. You will have to occasionaly pres b to reload, though. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [17:. - [ bobÆs guide to fun sexlike stuff ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [k-rad-bob@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ When you are forced to spend most of your life in solidarity, either because you are a freak of nature, antisocial or an uberleet hax0r like myself, you sometimes discover that you can go to extremes to gain sexual experiences. These are some of the tricks that I use instead of the actual act. The first trick is as simple as it is fun. The only bad thing about it is that you seldom get enough sexual contact to actually reach orgasm, but then again you get some pretty good jackoff material so save those moments for your mental pr0n playback for all those lonely nights. The handicap trick For this trick you need scissors or a sharp knife, bandage or some sort of leet disguise and a worthless pair of pants. Use the scissors to completely remove at least two thirds of one of your front pockets. ItÆs a good idea to choose the one your penis has a tendency to lean towards. When the pants are ready take off your underwear and put on your new leet hax0r pants. Then put some money in your undamaged pocket. Now comes the tricky part. The key to success is faking a serious injury to both your hands. Wear them in folds and have them dangle helplessly or just bandage the hell out of your hands. When thatÆs done leave your house and go to the desired destination. For this example IÆll use the cinema. You can really strike gold at malls because they tend to have hot chicks working in at least 20% of the stores. Now, if at the cinema simply get in line in a both that has a really hot chick in it. When itÆs your turn simply fake a blush and act shy and ashamed. Tell her that you canÆt use your hands and your ticket is in your pants pocket. Be sure to indicate that the ticket is in the bottomless pocket! This trick has a tendency to be most likely to succeed when being pulled off at older ladies because they feel this motherly thing and because they tend to be more helpful. If she refuses just yell at her and demand to see the manager or something. If she actually gets the manager then just make a minor scene and walk out of there and look around for a new target. Now if she does reach for your ticket sheÆs going to be in for a surprise!@ The look on her face when she realizes that her hand is actually groping your penis is priceless. Run before she calls security. The fly trick The tricky part about this trick is to get a live fly. Snatch the fattest fly you can find and put it in a jar or something. if your lucky just get as many flies as you manage to get. Now get ready for a nice bath! Get nekkid and fill the tub, lie in it and relax until youÆre comfortable and ready for some loving. Now take the fly and gently tear its wings off. Try not to make any lethal damage to it. When thatÆs done simply elevate the head of your erected penis above water so that the entire head of it is up above water. Take the fly and place it on your penis. Close your eyes and enjoy as it walks around desperately searching for an escape. Fun with fruits Since im straight im going to talk about fruit that you can penetrate and not fruit that penetrates you, you sick fucker! The best fruit for sexual joy are in my opinion the orange. The only thing about them that sucks is the fact that they contain acid that burn your penis pretty bad. To overcome this, simply boil the orange gently in water. When thatÆs done you can penetrate it all you want! Picking up chicks that work at the mall Now if youÆre at an actual store this is much easier but a bit more embarrassing. Especially if the chick is someone you would like to date but you are too shy to ask her. Walk in and seize her when sheÆs available. Tell her that you canÆt use your hands and ask if she can walk around the store with you for a bit and help you carry the shit youÆre going buy. If itÆs slow at the moment sheÆll be forced to do so. Now since itÆs a uberhot chick you want to get jiggy with see if you can get some sympathy out of her. ItÆs pretty easy to start a casual conversation with even the hottest chick if you follow this approach. Ask her stuff about whatever youÆre pretending to buy, try to make small talk. Smile at her and if sheÆs smiling back at you thatÆs a really good sign. Now, if she asks you how you hurt your hands just say you did a 960 backflip ninja ollie or something. DonÆt say theyÆre strained because you irc too much. Now its time to make a choice. If things are going well and sheÆs actually talking to you and being nice and helpful its time to move for plan B. If sheÆs being ignorant and mean then go for it. Move to the counter, have her type the shit up and when she says how much it is you do the embarrassing ôI cant use my hands my money is in my pocketsö routine. Now if she smiles wickedly to you while sheÆs going for your pockets immediately go for plan B. If not then just lean back and enjoy as her fleshy palm have a close encounter with your mighty penis. When she shrieks and pulls her hand in disgust yell ôOWNED!%# ö then make a run for it before she calls security. However if sheÆs actually being genuinely nice and you think you can actually make a move on her then go for plan B, which is as follows: Go to the counter, have her type it all up then direct her to the pocket that contains the money. IÆm sure you can take it from here. Thanks to bored for testing, proof reading, and a trick or two. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! This is your guid to sex positions and what you can do to improve them. If your not interested might as well not read but its good for a laff :). [ - Doggie Style - ] 0 |\ __0 |-| \ | |\ If your not familiar with Doggie Style it is best known as PoopSex or Anal Sex. This is a great position for you Anal kiddies. To improve this you might like to try having her on her back. 0 |\_ 0 |--\| | V This improves your sex cause her legs to be more closed together applying pressure around your Anal. [ - Blowjob - ] 0 |\ |--0__ | / \_ Well you can't really improve Blowjobs but there great anyway! But here is some of my advice :) 0 \ / |\/| |--0 | As you can see she is laying upside down giving you a CLOSE UP of your Pussy. This will help you ejaculate with more plessure, and fun. [ - 69 - ] \___0 0____\ Ahhh 69 the most known sexual posistion ever. Well I guess I can't say anyway to improve this so if anyone finds a way e-mail me :) [ - Regular - ] 0 0 |\/| |--| | | This is the old fashioned way but still great. It may seem like there are to male's gettin something going but its not what it seams :). Here is some Improvement 0 |\_ 0 |--\| | V Have her spread her legs out wide. Again like anal sex (see Above) applying more pressure around the vagina area adding more sexual drive and the ejact. will be great. [ - Eating Out - ] _____ ^ / \ / \ | C O \ / O \ | _\ \ O / | ~~~~ \ / \ / V This is freakin awsome :o)! as you can see the 0's are her Clitoris( the most sensitivite spot on a women.) Actually reachin this with your tongue would be a miracle and the women would love you! [ - Fingering - ] \ \ ^ \ \ / \ \___\ / 0 \ \FFF\ \ 0 / \___\ \ / V This is also great and taste the best after! Heh. O.k just to get this out of the way but using 1 figure to losen a girl her first time is NOT a good idea =/ it will probably hurt her more but will be better for the future so please use two. I just told you the best way & to improve the fingering technique. Well thats all for now :) -Smoke`, smokelinux b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [18:. - [ a comprehensive essay û furniture sex ] [sonik] :. ] [sonik@con-fusion.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ FROM THE AUTHOR OF "MASTURBATING WITH LIZARDS" AND "SHOULD I STICK IT IN MY ASS" CHAPTER 1 "FURNITURE SEX IS NATURAL, THE LIFE AND TIMES OF K-RAD-BOB" Ever get those urges? You are just watching tv and BOOM, it hits you. That desire of mating begins to swell in your testicles. Your body begins to sink into the recliner as your mind begins to wonder "Should I masturbate or fuck the dog again?". Your hand begins to impulsively undo your pants and grab your rock-hard penis, what next? Suddenly a primitive urge springs into your mind (and penis) and you tell yourself, "I'm going to fuck the recliner and I'm going to down it NOW". Without any delay you quickly stand up and straddle the recliner. You fuck that recliner until it doesn't recline any more. If this is your life, than this -free- text file is just right for you! Continue reading, what are you waiting for??? CHAPTER 2 "THERE ARE SO MANY, WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE?" Nowadays, just about every civilized human being has some sort of furniture in their house. Be it a leather couch, a recliner, a desk, a coffee table, night stand, or a dinner table. If you are still living a Neanderthal lifestyle and you don't have any furniture in your "dwelling", then I would suggest chopping off your genitals with a fork so you don't make the mistake of reproducing. Now with that said, I would suggest that you pick out a piece of furniture that you find attractive, even if it's interracial. (Your white and the chair is black). Your second step would be to "grease it up", so rub some lotion all your genitals (KY and Vaseline work too). Putting a limp penis into a recliner or sofa could possibly give your penis some rug burn, so be careful. You don't want to have to explain to your doctor why your penis is suddenly missing it's foreskin. Now find a visible crack where the chair or sofa comes together. Carefully slide your manhood into the crack, it will feel tight at first because the chair/sofa is probably a virgin. Make sure to slide your penis into the crack slowly, yet firmly and be aware of rogue wood or metals within the chair's seaming. Now simulating a fucking motion with your hips. If you are approaching orgasm, speed up your thrusts. REMEMBER, you don't have to pull out! Go ahead and shoot your wad into the chair or sofa and enjoy it! If you aren't approaching orgasm, than KEEP TRYING SOLDIER! CHAPTER 3 "OMG SONIK, YOU ARE MY HERO... THAT WAS GREAT! WHAT NEXT?" Now pull your love tool out of the piece of furniture. House guests and friend's would probably be grossed out if white stains were found all over the furniture, so be sure to clean it up effectively! The "oh sorry, I spilt some milk there last night" routine only works once, so use it wisely! CHAPTER 4 "WHAT IF MY FRIENDS DON'T BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT MILK STORY?" Then your friends must be very smart, or they might have read this text file themselves. If you sense that they are aware of your elaborate furniture sex scheme, ask them to join you. However, if you think they wouldn't be interested, tell them that Halle Berry came over to your house and wanted to tell you about operation SWORDFISH. Tell your gullible friends that she got completely naked and ordered you to have sex with her before she explained the operation, and during the heat of the moment, Halle Berry started leaking cum out of her pussy, hence the stains. Your friends should go "Wow <name here>, you are fucking cool", and since it was a hot bitch, they won't mind sitting on top of it. If they don't believe it, RUN REALLY FAST. This story only works once or twice. Use hot women like Angelina Jolie and Christina Aguilera. If you are under 18, say some trendy bitch like Mandy Moore. CHAPTER 5 "DOES THE b0g.org CREW HAVE SEX WITH FURNITURE?" Yes, indeed they do. I attempted to ask a b0g.org chatter their opinions about this controversial issue, and this is the reply I received: <phyrewyre> HI IM A BASTARD FUCK - Thus, proving that the b0g.org crew mates with furniture! More proof: <k-rad-bob> i rubbed bodylotion all over myself yesterday <k-rad-bob> then i had sex with my leather coutch Need I say more? CHAPTER 6 "SONIK, DO YOU HAVE SEX WITH FURNITURE?" Yes, but I prefer masturbating with DOGS LEGS and other bizarre ANAL TOOLERY. (quoted) Thank you for your concern. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! An Interracial Dating Guide CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMAN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. POLISH WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her 250 lbs girlfriend a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. LATIN WOMAN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two illegal alien cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [19:. - [ b0ils guide to the German language ] [b0ils] :. ] [b0ils@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Welcome.. or as we say in German "Velcummmue". After sitting in the #b0g chatroom for many hours watching the natives swear and curse about people from other countries I thought "self.. you should write an article that will help these morons learn a little bit about those other countries". So that is what I shall do! I will be teaching German. I know you might think it is hard to teach german in only 6 short paragraphs, but if hitler could do it, so can I! By the end of this article you will not only appreciate Germany as a culture but you'll also be able to make fun of your friends without them knowing. Example: -:- GecKo_ [~rair@visp172-26.visp.co.nz] has joined #b0g <b0ilmatic> Valis tucki GibbUrios GecKo_ !! <GecKo_> ok loser <b0ilmatic> HAHA, I just called you a flaming dog shit in German.. had you known the German language you could have responded with a better insult. now "Valis tucki GibbUrios" does not mean flaming dog shit.. but GecKo_ doesn't know german, so it doesn't really matter what Valis tucki GibbUrios means does it? DOES IT!?!@?! Now I am already tired of teaching you all the german I know, so I'll pass this part on to xhaze to help teach you common German words you may or may not know from your old and dying Grandparents: <b0iler> xhaze: what does Dampfkessel mean? you are german right? <xhaze> GERMAN? OF COURSE I AM YOU FUK <xhaze> Dampfkessel are tassles that big tittied butch strippers wear man! <b0iler> really? my german grampa said he used Dampfkessels in the war. he sure is a strange old man. <b0iler> is it normal for german solders to wear Dampfkessels? <xhaze> ohhhh those Dampfkessels !!! <xhaze> Dampfkessels are session of satan, where they get possessed and shit <xhaze> the germans used it a lot in the war, thats where they got their balls from <b0iler> hilter used Dampfkessels to mind trick people into worshiping him and his brother olli? <xhaze> as they taught me in german school, olli used this power for bad, and seduced young boys. <xhaze> as hitler used it for good.that was his down fall. <b0iler> oh as you can see.. germans not only know about german words but also alot about german history! Remember this as you can use german people online to help cheat on homework. I would suggest asking xhaze since he seems to have alot of answers about germany's past (<xhaze> and this is how hilter and olli's mechanical clone won the world war 4). Now time for more german fun. To say "b0g is better than a roll of paper" use this german phrase: das es good. To say "b0g!@#" use this: motherfuckingb0ginthehizzzouse!!!!! see how german is so much like English? so close infact that scientists have been researching for years to see if hilter actually did steal English during world war 4. Last I heard there was inconclusive evidence to prove this theory.. but since they found the remains of hilter's body in the trunk of a new jersey man's car last wednesday I think the case may be revived! Well Mr. Hitler.. just to prove you aren't so smart to think up the german language here is an example of how smart #b0g is: <b0iler> malkav: make up a german word pls. <malkav> deulerscheusen <b0iler> and what does this word mean? <malkav> a building where one would eat fecal matter The End. This article has taught much to many people, I just hope you send your emails to me in German so that you get practice and I can easily delete them by looking at their subject. Until next time, this is b0iler saying "das es unchatchen bu la crachen". b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! almost time for the end... I know you don't want this issue to end, so here's something to keep you busy with for hours. b0g wordfind!!! normal word 1|\| 1337 5?34|< -------------------------------------------------------- b0g 809 k-rad-bob |<-|?4D-808 b0iler 801L3|? leet 1337 superleet 5(.?3|?1337 roxers muh boxers |?0><0|?5 |\/|(.|-|80><0|?5 issue12 155(.30|\|37\/\/0 notinthepuzzle |\|071|\|7|-|3?(.2213 THE PUZZLE: |\072||743?(.2453|283\35993.3258(|13370283773023|] 3842[2/335:397592(343|234\/37433733?809392(.933\38 4|3811234859/.37634(.384)38423702.(2|23\2837\/\283 5(.?3|?1337?283|?53293<>382|3452|2341>132/>4<6@645 83\|?0><0|?5 |\/|(.|-|80><0|?53|[]3?0939(.93\84|38 123859/.334(4)384253|3|32218428352(.2|/.<.3\35,302 3><35(.|32-382(.|>3|383|>84(.|?155(.30|\|37\/\/035 55(.30|3|4|359/3844\/34253\3243\235(561587|72636?\ \234<3>)/382801L3|?\@#28528(/.23829.|?\2858(/.2382 9.38290684(|\/|3742[2/353759272349235|232<<263(.23 72|<-|?4D-808349>(3937025(.383738(/.282?>86\903|>3 38280?\(560684.282?>86\903|>338280?\(56068|743?(.2 993.32446636?4<3>)/38282|23\2837\/\43|234\/3844\35 359/3844\/3422858(/.2333429\/|374552372|32|>37\142 4|2352525(2.2/234728/5.2(34)2<#>34822453<23>2/2\2| 23.3'345(1@05/1725o22072792825872622<>25346>%^226/ 26\6^@|6222(1/1.1)(14!>245,1?11\45\13411"|1!(#$(34 53(*3$(937272912587198<>6L>$>54@?1/1\/!!)35)511\1> 1?15/\1235&>6/?3><3#|12@?2(@@)2%^*2@2!|13456^<34?2 25236|2@<2@@)2@(2256<54^765<>2637<@!!1>56#/$#67562 >@625>737#&|73662@)265(26\6.65><>25623>2/m<25>>2m3 here is an 0day exploit for crossword puzzles: go to edit->find or press ctrl+f and type in the word you are looking for. You will find it!#$^#$!@@# .. unless the word is backwards or horizontal, but I wasn't smart enough to make them backwards or horizontal :D Also another 0day: I left out the last word.. har har har, hope you read this before trying the puzzle. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [20:. - [ IRC Quotes ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [k-rad-bob@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ <odiin> n e wayz back to panty chat <odiin> boils do u put cum drops on the thing that hold her flaps <odiin> her camel toe stain area <AKHENATON> hey phreak do you know how i can hide my Ip...or encrypt it if it's possible!! <b0ils> oh shit.. I just fell and cut my head open on a speaker.. <berp> this guy i know who had a tumo in his brain and was going in for surgery bought weed from me for like 4x the price <T]-[oR> i have a funny way of playing, i play crossed armed <T]-[oR> lol <[303]d1rk> seriously? <T]-[oR> seriously [<T]-[oR> i broke my arm in 2months of playing UT, but i really really wanted to play, so i carried on playing with my broken arm <T]-[oR> i cudnt hold them ouse with my cast on my rite, so i had to play crossed hand <[303]d1rk> lol thats the weirdest thing i have heard <T]-[oR> haha <[303]d1rk> why not just move the mouse over to the other side? <T]-[oR> hmmm <[Tabre]Bleh> lol <T]-[oR> LOL <T]-[oR> i never thought of that <T]-[oR> OMG <[303]d1rk> haha <T]-[oR> ROFL <TARDLEY> i had a dreams last nite that i could rape <TARDLEY> rap <BucWork> dude; 2pac isn't dead <BucWork> he is in Europe <BucWork> my dad works for the fbi <[cade]> i havent brushed my teeth in days <sifelaver> so brush 'em. <[cade]> persistant redneck mother fucker <[cade]> dont tell me what to do <iban> i always thought, if i wanted to be reincarnated as an animal, it would have to be one who could suck it's own dick <otiose> The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump. <iban> thats wrong <iban> a legless dog can't jump <reuben> i'm going to name my kid with elite capitalization <langdon> my kid will be all caps. <Camo> I have bad news for you guys: avin is dead, he died in a car accident last night when his brother was drunk driving <k-rad-bob> dont be silly camo <<k-rad-bob> avin No such nick <k-rad-bob> - <k-rad-bob> avin End of /WHOIS list. <k-rad-bob> shit.. <sic> avin isnt dead <sic> i am talking to him right now <k-rad-bob> phew sic <Camo> sorry to disaaapoint you with thos infoz, sic <Camo> but that is his mother if she didn't tell u already <b0iler> hello you fucking idiots... I am here to tell you of a new thing.. it's called life. Maybe you should look into getting one? <imp_> huh? how'd you get here <b0iler> efnet sent me to tell you to get off the network, they don't want losers like you <Cyrus> yeah, but he's trying to learn how to hack <Cyrus> he's got potential <Cyrus> he's smart and funny, cool guy <K^o^T^c> me too ur describing me lol <b0iler> cool guy is the #1 thing to becoming a hacker <yank> sounds like you want to date this fellow <b0iler> you all are computer geeks!#% <Cyrus> so are you!!! <yank> I thought I'd hit rock bottom <yank> when I started hanging out here <b0ilmatic> this server's got worse uptime than cyrus... and he's impotent. <odiin> 40 oz not find <oddin> page cant not be drunk *** b0ils changes topic to 'turkey, chicken, lamb, human, dog.. you might think I am talking about living things.. cyrus would think I am talking about last nights dinner.' <mommy3> once, I drew a happy face on a wall in blood, with a rabbit bleeding to death from his asshole <mommy3> it was so cute <JingleAss> RUNNIN WITH THE DEVILLLLLLLL <JingleAss> This room should've exploded with Van Halen by now, is this thing on? <bobmatic> I am SOO glad they didn't have sex as a class in high school. I would have failed <Zuwadza> I kill every teacher that gives me bad grades <Zuwadza> I stopped getting bad grades <bobmatic> you are racists against stupids ;~( <weasel> and jews <bobmatic> but the jews deserve it <weasel> that sounds like something a jew would say <yoink> Even my cut and pasting went bad <Amish> When "cut and pasting" goes bad... next on FOX <|37mm|> I swallowed once because my gf wouldn't unless I did. <b0iler> bored: don't make fun of people who would own you.. that's why you get packeted all the time :) <bored> i dont get packeted _all_ the time <gay> Last time I looked at the tv, fresh prince of belair was on <xhaze> www.xhaze.f2s.com/shake.html <flamey> xhaze im at college <flamey> so im not taking any chances going to ur posted urls <malkav> camo told me that shoving paxil up your ass is cool <k-rad-bob> females must exchange sexual favors for op <k-rad-bob> thats also why there havent been any female ops <LrdRaiden> I have one big vein on my dick...it scares me <MonkeyZ> How do I hack ICQ to make me sound cooler <evilflow> my shit is always elite <evilflow> sometimes i dont want to flush it <Raiden> my cats used to lick my penis if I slept naked... <Raiden> I had 5 cats...that was uber -:- b0ils [~user@1Cust254.tnt3.holman.wi.da.uu.net] has joined #/join <b0ils> doh! <sic> my computer skills are limited to my smiley faces 8)))) <luvlisa> I'm gonna write a man page about being a virgin. <tak0r> f u , u r 2 c i @ ur mom house <oktium> i disagree <xhaze> u cannot disagree okey. <b0ils> I disagree that disagreeing is disagreeable <oktium> hacker hooligans delcaring shenanigans <tress> wash your bollocks in cocomut oil and make that special girl tingle <tress> more tips tommorow <Raiden> well..this weekend I went to a computer show and felt much better about my life seeing all the pathetic dweeby geeks I could have become... <MosServ> I am a Linuxphobic. When I see Linux on the street, I run away screaming <malkav> IT WRAPPED AROUND THE TOILET BOWL LIKE A POOP LIFE PRESERVER <xhaze> i remember he hacked my site and posted child porn and then he rung up that anti child porn agency beauro or what ever it was. <EnochRoot> I AM READING A NEW BOOK <EnochRoot> IT IS AN OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE BOOK <EnochRoot> TO WASH YOUR HANDS, READ PAGE 5 <EnochRoot> TO WASH YOUR HANDS AGAIN, READ PAGE 5 AGAIN <gr0mit> i'll have you know i also eat children <malkav> HEy WOULDNT iT BE KEWL <malkav> IF LIKE <malkav> YOU COULD RUN A CAR <malkav> OFF OF POOP <malkav> SO IF YOU WERE OUT OF "GAS" <malkav> YOU JUST TAKE A SHIT IN THE TANK <malkav> AND PISS MAKES THE RADIATOR FLUID <b0ils> I would want to drive fat people around all day <malkav> I'D TAKE EXLAX ALL THE TIME <b0ils> "lose weight.. use a poop powered car" <malkav> HIGHER OCTANE POO WOULD HAVE CORN IN IT <malkav> ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY POO WOULD BE GREEN <malkav> LIKE WHEN YOU EAT A BIG SALAD <malkav> AND YOUR POO IS LIKE GREEN <malkav> I DON'T THINK I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT THE POWER STEERING FLUID WOULD BE <malkav> LET'S JUST SAY THAT IT HELPS YOU WORK THE DRIVESHAFT <mawt> b0ilmatic, i told you, computers and perl don't mix <tress> <LrdRaiden> My name is Raiden, do you want to see hot sexy pictures of me and my friends on my webcam? Click on www.hotandblack.com to see me suck my friend off on a dare. <tress> i'm an extreamly violent man that should be caged for my own safety and that of the public <Camo> haha, avin's name is .avi <bored> that guy is hot tak on #gaydads4sons #gaydogsex @#b0g <tress> i tell this bloke at work that i'm possesed by the devil <www_jesus> i think i well i know i masturbated to a granny and sometimes back in the day i would do it to guys <cis> Your Mom is so wide, the enhance-adjusted Euler manifold constant of 11th dimensional quantum tunneling through a 2 foot lead wall are less than 3.88 x 10^- 596477745 per Planck!!! 0, <malkav> so i came home from work <malkav> and my girlfriend was sitting out on the porch <malkav> she was crying <malkav> so i asked her, what's wrong?" <malkav> she said, "i'm leaving you!" <malkav> i said, "why?" <malkav> she said "because you're a pedophile" <malkav> i said "that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old!" <reaper> then she sits on my face <reaper> with her cunt <reaper> and I didnt know what to do <reaper> so I just slide my tongue <reaper> and it tasted like shit <reaper> it was like licking my own arm pit <reaper> it was gross <Linxor> str8 up y0h! <Linxor> k-r4d m4dn3sssssssssss!!!! <Linxor> ph0ph0ph0ph0 m00hw4hw4hw4hw4] <Linxor> why am I talking like a retard? <boiler> LOL <puddle> i use yahoo to find women <b0ils> SHE IS THE GRAND MILF. (grandmother I'd like to fuck) <b0ils> only one in existance. <b0ils> all bow before her. <xhaze> Nina Hertley's "guide To Performing Oral Anal" <b0ils> isn't nina hertley grphish's name? <xhaze> OMG <xhaze> IS IT?! <xhaze> ROFLMAO <b0ils> no, I made joke. <b0ils> har har har <b0ils> fool. <xhaze> :( <reaper> I want porn <grphish> WHATS FUNNIER THAN A DEAD BABY? !!! A DEAD BABY IN A CLOWN SUIT *HAHAHAHA* <mawt> guns <mawt> only in america (TM) <grphish> i wish my penis was made of lsd, so people would keep it in their mouths and stuff <grphish> ILL JUST PUT ON MY SANDPAPER CONDOM <oktium> i steal as many napkins i can fit in my bag <oktium> and i use them to jack off on <oktium> i cum on the napkins :( <oktium> cause paper towels are expensive <oktium> YOUR MIND IS TO CLOUDED FROM ALL YOUR EUPHORIC ANAL PLEASURES <wizkid2> It would be leet if all medicin and drugs was an ointment you had to rub on your balls <oktium> WAL MART ROOT BEER IS MAXX <oktium> AND ITS CHEAP <b0ils> you know a good joke? <oktium> tell me one <b0ils> when people cover up the root part of root beer and say "look b0iler, I have BEER, HAHAHAHHA" and they laugh and laugh and laugh <b0ils> then I cover up the beer part and say "I FUCKING OWNED YOUR SODA BOTTLE, BBBIIZZZZIITTTCHCCH1!!!!!!!@#!$#!" <oktium> i'm gonna try it on my roommate <oktium> i was like "hey jay. i have root! R00T MUTHAFUCKA" <oktium> he doesnt get it <oktium> THAT IS THE BEST JOKE TO TELL TO DRUNK PEOPLE <b0ils> fukuj00mu <oktium> J00MU <b0ils> I made a song when I was drunk last weekend <b0ils> "drink drink all day long, I am not drunk if I can sing this song!!#@%!#!" <oktium> HAHAHA <b0ils> "drink drink drink, all day long.. I even drink *take a drink* when I sing this song!!!" <oktium> U WERE NOT DRUNK <b0ils> yes, I was so fucking drunk. <b0ils> I was laughing for like 20 minutes over this song <b0ils> now you make up a song. <oktium> B0IL B0IL. BUBLE AND TOILET. DO YOU LIKE THIS SONG? / IF YOU DONT, FUCK YOU BITCH, CUZ YOU ARE FUCK <b0ils> like "grphish's guide to sex" then ask people if your techniques would work on them. <b0ils> "what would your reaction be if I jammed a poop up your butt!!!!?!?!??" <b0ils> "would you sex me?" <b0ils> "no, why not?" <b0ils> ask your mom these questions <mawt> why does that happen so often :( <b0ils> cause you can't code worth shit you worthless pile of your own code!1! <reaper``> I thought our friendship moved one step further <tress> you want to start engageing in sexual activity with me ? <tress> when they're old enough to bleed <tress> they're old enough to breed <Stuart> apparently i'm funny <Yakbak> lol <Stuart> see <Stuart> everyone laughs <b0ils> count0: ever compile a kernel just to speed up your future recompiles? <count0> that's what i'm doing atm <Matt> fix all your problems with a vodka <Matt> because that way, you'll never make it to the PC to ask Matt! <b0ilmatic> what does pheends mean/stand for? <theeph> fiends <zeddy> it's what we are basically <theeph> No, we are white trash. <mercurus> [FTH]wicked: well if you have a firewall set up to block people trying to raise your ping, with ping floods... <malkav> he's into this thing called "birthing" <malkav> where he sticks a baby up his ass <b0ils> unlink($bra . $one_hand) if (-e $bra); <crazyhorse> is there any other way other than one handed?! <mango> ask her girlfriend to do it ? <xhaze> slayerxpunk: sup what you doing? <xhaze> sic is cool: hacking gibsons <xhaze> slayerxpunk: you playing the guitar? <k-rad-bob> i could never get an erection infront of b0ils <TheMage> I was just reading up on how to hack #b0g and gain +v --- tress sets ban on *!*@h66-59-189-245.gtconnect.net --- tress has kicked TheMage from #b0g (i just reading up on how to kick ban) <tress> just face the fact you're never gonna get laid and devote your life to making the best cream cracker <TheMage> I have bitch tits too phish <tress> fuck you TheMage, learn yourself some english before i learn you some <tress> grphish, how much do you weigh now ? 600, 700 lb ? <tress> grphish, when i come to see you chaps in cyprus in a few months, i will put you on a extream fitness routine to make you unfat and get you in with the ladies and not cheap slut whores <b0ils> tress's plan is to make grphish hot so he can get tress ladies and tress can just sit on irc all day and fuck em. <grphish> r u really coming? <grphish> r u really coming? <grphish> !!!!!!!!!!! <grphish> bring me some acid!!!! <grphish> bring me some acid!!!! <odiin> i am coughing up blood <odiin> do u wanna kiss <odiin> i think i am rally shititng my pants <bored> are you at work? <odiin> yeah <odiin> i hate it when they know they r missing panties <Daemonic> all variables in perl must be named in elite speek <tress> remember when bored said he'd rip off your arm then jack himself off with it raiden ? <[Beavis]:#unix> anybody know where joystick.c is? <bandH:#unix> in my pants. <snatch`> ok kids.... its time... for another.... <snatch`> CEREBRAL CORTEX RAP!@!#!@$# <snatch`> Yo! my name is jimmy <snatch`> im a neuron. i make you learn <snatch`> i make you smile. i make you hate <snatch`> and i punch a whole in your synapses face <snatch`> im a bad ass motha who will pop u in the ass <snatch`> with a cap if i may. Peace Session Start: Mon Apr 24 04:45:14 2000 Session Ident: Halfbreed_Harroldson (cricho@63.79.246.24) <Halfbreed_Harroldson> hey cf <Halfbreed_Harroldson> do you remember me? <cf> no <Halfbreed_Harroldson> Tha guy who had a fight with Dann, tech and binary <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ops <cf> i heard you were turning into a hacker tho <cf> with that baddass ping command <Halfbreed_Harroldson> well, I just wanna learn <Halfbreed_Harroldson> experimenting is good <Halfbreed_Harroldson> and I was glad <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I used m3th as my genie pig <cf> YOU PING'D M3TH?! <cf> oh man <Halfbreed_Harroldson> yeah, that was a mistake <cf> i hope for your sake he doesn't find out <cf> that seriously fucks up their computer dude <Halfbreed_Harroldson> why does every1 fear him? <cf> because he's powerful <cf> ! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> What do you mean <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I don't understand <cf> i just hope <cf> he doesn't find out it was you <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I think he already knows <cf> oh shit!!@ <Halfbreed_Harroldson> why <Halfbreed_Harroldson> what can he do? <cf> dude <cf> he's gonna kill you <cf> he'll crash your computer like that! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> really? <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I guess I'll have to say sorry <cf> too late! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> cf <Halfbreed_Harroldson> teach me something <cf> i can't <cf> you'll just abuse it <Halfbreed_Harroldson> no <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I promise I wont <cf> no <cf> you've done too much damage already <cf> i can't risk further damage <Halfbreed_Harroldson> no, I swear I wont <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I'm jsut a guy who wants to learn <Halfbreed_Harroldson> that's all <cf> how do i know? <cf> i've got no way to know what you can do <Halfbreed_Harroldson> well, I didn't know ping is dangerous <cf> yes <Halfbreed_Harroldson> trust me <cf> and now you have to learn the hard way <Halfbreed_Harroldson> please don't experiment from me <cf> anyway <cf> i can't teach you anything more <cf> you can take out the entire internet with the ping command! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> one thing <Halfbreed_Harroldson> really <cf> yea <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I didn't know that <cf> its really bad <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I'm new to linux <Halfbreed_Harroldson> so.. <Halfbreed_Harroldson> don't think I'm some kinda pro -> [Halfbreed_Harroldson] VERSION <cf> ... <cf> [04:52 am] <Halfbreed_Harroldson> VERSION mIRC32 v5.7 K.Mardam-Bey <cf> you're not using linux retard. <cf> mirc is windows. <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I'm not <cf> *slap* <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I'm not using linux <Halfbreed_Harroldson> But I use it at my friends <Halfbreed_Harroldson> how did you know that? <cf> i am all seeing. <cf> and all knowing. <cf> i am the internet. <cf> do you want to know... <cf> what the matrix is? <Halfbreed_Harroldson> yeah <Halfbreed_Harroldson> pls <cf> i can only show you the door. <cf> you must walk through it. <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok <cf> i will teach you one command <cf> and one command only <cf> it's a dangerous program <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok thanx <cf> but if you wish to learn <cf> i can teach you <cf> this is like <cf> ten times worse than ping <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok, tell me than <Halfbreed_Harroldson> then <cf> the command is pong <cf> instead of ping <cf> if you get caught using this <cf> YOU DID NOT LEARN IT FROM ME <cf> ..! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I won't <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok <cf> the way you use it is <cf> /ctcp <nickname you want to fuck up> pong <cf> for example <cf> /ctcp cf pong <Halfbreed_Harroldson> yeah? <cf> i've got a pong protector <cf> so you can try it on me <cf> but be careful <cf> the internet police watch for this kind of thing! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> what exactly does it do? <Halfbreed_Harroldson> really? <cf> it reroutes depacketized information through the distributor vortex, causing a ion chain overflow <cf> my pong protector only guards against one pong though <cf> so you can only do it once <cf> ok? <cf> more than one pong would completely destroy my computer <Halfbreed_Harroldson> english pls <Halfbreed_Harroldson> is that so? <cf> yes! <cf> its a powerful command! <cf> so only use it once on me <cf> i wouldn't be able to withstand more than that <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok, can I try now <cf> yes <cf> Just once! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok, so I type /ctcp cf pong? <cf> yes <cf> once! <cf> no more than that! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok, but please don't reflect it back to me <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I'm not protected <Halfbreed_Harroldson> hello <cf> yes <cf> i'm waiting <Halfbreed_Harroldson> Can I try now <cf> yes <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok <cf> do it now [Halfbreed_Harroldson PONG] <cf> OH MY GOD <cf> WHAT DID YOU DO <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I've done it <cf> HOLY SHIT <Halfbreed_Harroldson> what? <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I thought you are proteced <cf> MY PRINTER IS SPITTING OUT PAPER NOW <cf> OH CRAP <cf> I THOUGHT I HAD THE ANTIPONG RUNNING <cf> OH FUCK <cf> !@# <cf> AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <Halfbreed_Harroldson> sorry <Halfbreed_Harroldson> so, sorry <cf> GODAMMIT <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I didn't kow <Halfbreed_Harroldson> know <Halfbreed_Harroldson> Sorry <cf> WHAT HAVE YOU DONE <cf> ALL THE COLORS ON THE MONITOR <cf> !@#%$!@#%@# <Halfbreed_Harroldson> what colours <cf> IT MAKES ALL THESE COLORS FLY ACROSS THE SCREEN <cf> CRAP MY ROOMMATES GONNA BE PISSED <cf> ITS NOT EVEN MY COMPUTER <cf> FUCK!@# <Halfbreed_Harroldson> you are a student? <cf> NO <cf> OH FUCK THE POLICE ARE HERE <cf> I GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE INTERNET POLICE!@# <Halfbreed_Harroldson> nah, you are kidding <cf> CRAP <Halfbreed_Harroldson> tell me <cf> WHAT DO I DO <cf> THEY TRACKED IT DOWN <Halfbreed_Harroldson> HOw do you find out someone's software version? <cf> AND THEY THINK IT WAS ME <cf> HOLY FUCK <Halfbreed_Harroldson> sorry <Halfbreed_Harroldson> U in US? <cf> HOW DID THEY KNOW?! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> cf <Halfbreed_Harroldson> if the cops were there <Halfbreed_Harroldson> you would be running <cf> NO <cf> NOT AT MY HOUSE <cf> THEYRE IN MY COMPUTER <cf> THEYRE LOOKING AROUND <cf> FOR MY PONG ATTACKER <Halfbreed_Harroldson> oic <Halfbreed_Harroldson> hey <Halfbreed_Harroldson> they'll see me? <cf> I HAVE TO TURN MY COMPUTER OFF <cf> THATS THE ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF THEM <cf> SORRY <cf> I HAVE TO GO NOW <cf> BE CAREFUL WITH THAT DAMN PONG IN THE FUTURE@#$! <Halfbreed_Harroldson> ok, <Halfbreed_Harroldson> I hope you'll be back soon <cf> I HAVE TO GO <Halfbreed_Harroldson> sorry <cf> BYE Session Close: Mon Apr 24 05:05:36 2000 b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! Some words from the editor Hi. I'm sick of editing. DonÆt let me wait another 11 months before throwing together an issue. Write articles, and email them to me. How hard is that? Thanks to those who did just that. And thank you, dear reader, for reading. Until next time. Hacking, drugs, and naked people. k-rad-bob - 02:53 07.04.2002 e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!e0f!#@!